Merry Christmas Baby Girl

Merry Christmas Baby girl. I can't believe that you are celebrating your 3rd Christmas since you left us. According to Santa tracker the man in the big red suite has already made it to where you are. I hope that you get everything your little heart desires. I know that it will. This year it looks like you are still here with all the presents that are under the tree. I swear there no children here. Guess us Adults went a little nuts. I miss you and I miss watching you open your gifts on Christmas morning but your First Christmas is one i will never forget. I stop and appreciate things more now that you are gone and wish like hell I would have appreciated every single second I had with you the way I cherish all the memories now. You taught me so much baby girl. SO much I wish I would have learned before you but I am thankful to know now because of you. Merry Christmas Jv. You will always be loved and missed here. Enjoy your Christmas and your first time on the slopes. 

Blind sided....It Happens.

Yesterday I started writing a blog that I think is just going to sit unfinished. I try so hard to come here to write in a positive light. Normally it turns to me longing to be near you or see photo's of you but that is alright I know it is all part of the process. Spending the last 3 weeks working with Santa L at the Toy shop in order for all of these children to have Christmas has been rewarding, challenging, one heck of an experience all at the same time. Providing for 4,500 hundred children in the course of the 3 weeks has been interesting to say the least. I missed distribution day by choice due to some things that were said and the way I was treated by some people who honestly forgot what they are in the core for. But that is neither here nor there. Today I returned to the toy shop to help Santa L and the other devoted elves break things down and give out a couple bags from people who missed distribution day for one reason or the other. I was received with a warm welcome and many we missed you yesterday comments. It was nice to feel needed/ wanted. Walking into the door and seeing all the bikes that were left from distribution day made my heart sink. What happened? Where did things go wrong and what was going to happen now? I honestly felt sick. I was so disappointed that so many bikes were left. Come to find out there was a miss-communication between a couple channels the day of distribution and even a missed list it seems while we were taking things in. It took me awhile to walk back to where the bags were sitting to see what was left there but when I did my heart sank a little further. Why didn't parents come pick up the things that they asked for their children to have? I did not understand this at all. I looked over the numbers and honestly thought that all the angles that we had adopted to help had been picked up I would later found out I was wrong. When I came across that bag I was devastated. We adopted 7 angels this year around your age range or a little younger and they got everything they asked for and then some. I shopped specifically for that child and she was not going to get her gifts now. I was heartbroken. I did all of this in order to give back. In hopes of regaining some sort of Christmas spirit and I have to say up until this point it worked. At that very moment I feel like my entire faith in humanity had been taken away again. There was a part of the organization there today picking up some of the left over gifts and they were going to be given to children who would really benefit from them. Children who genuinely needed them. I could not believe that i broke down the way I did over this particular event but it brought me to my knees. These people were picking over what was left looking for gifts for the 60 some children that they service on their end of town who really need the help. The lady who was with the group told me to pick one or two angels that were in the age range of the angle that I bought for and had not gotten picked up and that those gifts would be specifically for them. I did not pick one of the 5 that she asked me to pick. I just told her to split it up between a couple of them if that is what she wanted to do. It is not that my gifts are going unused that is not it at all. They are going to be used and I am sure that they are going to be even more appreciated than they would have been if they had actually gone to the girl I originally bought for. I posted on Facebook today about how upset I was over the whole thing and that I am normally a big bad ass when it comes to my emotions but for some reason this one just broke me down. Everyone has their one thing that gets to them I guess and for me this was it. (That and missing you of course). One person reminded me in a unique way of something that I think I needed to be reminded of. Thanks C.D. She typed the following "Oh my friend, please know that your intentions must have been needed for more then just one child, and like glitter falling in a million directions, your intent to spread Christmas to an angel, multiplied. Trust that all that love is getting where it needs to go. Sorry it hurt, but I suspect its part of your healing. Much love to you.."
I have to agree with what she said. I also have to say she is right in saying that I needed the hurt in order to heal. I go day in and day out of this life dealing with every emotion under the sun. Some see it some don't and even those who see it don't see everything. It is all part of the process. There is no rule book on this journey and it seems that something is changing it at every twist and turn. I really do bust my tail to hide my emotions otherwise I think I would be crying more than laughing some days. I took on this experience this season in order to feel and that is exactly what happened. Might not have been the exact feeling I was looking for but it was better than being numb and non responsive to the holiday all together. I learned the in's and out's of the Angel Tree and the even not so nice parts to it all but that is alright. I will go in next year with more information that I did this year and hopefully I will be able to help just as many if not more children next year. Until next time Toy shop is officially done. I look forward to next year with several changes of course. :) Until next time. I hope that you are having the time of your life in Georgia. Daddy D said that is where you were going to be for part of Christmas at least. Then off to Colorado to go Skiing. I look forward to seeing those photos. You on Ski's should be a cute site for sure. I am sure you will rock the slopes. We miss you just as much today as yesterday and I am sure it will be more tomorrow. Merry Christmas Miss Jv. 

Another little girl.

Went today to visit a friend who just recently had a little girl. K is a beautiful little girl. Born 8 days ago. It has been a long time since I got to hold a newborn little girl in my arms and ooooh and ahhhh over her. I held a friends baby girl shortly after you left but it has been over two years since I did that too. So this was a bit special for me. Getting to spend my afternoon in baby girl heaven. It made me think of you and all the time I got to spend with you when you were so little. Baby big feet (because I do not want to use her real name and this is her nickname.) was so content with whatever was going on around her. She did not care. She slept in my lap in my arms where ever she felt she wanted to. I am very appreciative that her mommy was willing to share her with us today. It is not often that we get to spend time with little ones and every time we do I relish it because I know I will never have another little one in the house of my own. When you came along we did not think we would have a little one in the house either but we were wrong. you took our world by storm from the moment we knew about you. Little did we know at exactly how attached we would become and how much we would miss you when you were gone. The one thing that will never change is our love for you.

The day after thanksgiving this year we got a photo album from mommy Y and daddy D showing your progress over the past year. Wow how you have grown. You look like you rule the nest and love every minute of it. I know that your mom and dad's world revolves around you and your brother. They live for the two of you and I love that. I love that you are learning so many things at this age. Martial arts, Piano, Dance and the list goes on. I love how you are so smart and just chatter away. I also love how your mom and dad don't discourage it. It gives you the ability to let your mind grown and learn. There are so many things I am happy to see in the update that I received when I got your photo album as well. I could not be happier for you and your family. I feel a bit more complete now with those photo's in my possession. I might not have photo's every single day like I use to when you were here but it is nice to have photos when the days are dark and the mood is heavy. I can always look at them and know that you are happy healthy and most of all provided for. There is nothing more in life that I ask for than that. Your happiness means the world to me and it is more than evident in the photos that I have seen that you are on top of the world. Their sun rises and sets because of you and your boy.

As for the holidays this year I seem to be managing a little better than the years past. Every now and then I get overwhelmed about it all but I just remember it will soon pass and move on. I have spent quiet a bit of time working with the Salvation Army and doing their toy shop for kids who would otherwise not have a Christmas and I have to say it has been a very rewarding experience so far. I look forward to it when I go and I feel bad when I miss a day or two because of school or other commitments. I will be sad when it is over but happy at the same time because that means that we did our job and helped out the 4,500 children who otherwise would not have had a Christmas in the area. Enjoy the Mountains and the snow this year Jv. I can't wait to get pics of you skiing down the side of a mountain in Colorado. Until next time.