The Balance Flips

I knew that this day would come eventually. I have not prepared myself for it and I don't think that your daddy has either. Even if we did all the preparation in the world I don't think that anything could help us deal with this. As your dad said the other day. In 2 days the balance will flip and I will be on the short end. Well baby girl that is where we are today. It is official that around 5pm this evening we will really be on the short end of it all now. Today Marks 19 months since you left our arms. 19 glorious months you were with us. I would ask for anything to have some of that time back. It is all in my mind. I am sure I can speak for your dad when I say that we both play those 19 months over and over again in our minds and each time we remember something different. Your smile, your laugh, a funny face you made or something that you did. Each memory forever etched in our minds and only the wish of just to hold you one more time. There will come a time where you are to big to be held as you were when you left us that day and you know what that is alright. You will forever fit right in my arms. Distance and the decisions of others might keep us apart right now but daddy and I both know that we miss you and we love you and we think about you all the time. We know you are happy and healthy I think we just wish that we could see how happy and healthy you are for our own eyes. Days like these make this whole process hard. I never thought that this day would come. I dreaded it in my mind for so long. I didn't want to be able to say that they officially will spend more time with you than your daddy and I did. It hurts. It hurts real bad BUT we both know we did the right things for you. I only hope that when you are at the age of understanding you see that as well. 19 Months with us and now 19 months with them. They have given you every single thing in life I knew we could not give. You are so smart and bright and just a little ray of sunshine. You have always been that for us. We miss it but you will always be that driving force behind my every breath right along with your other siblings. On those days when things just do not seem fair and I want to just take it all back I just look at some of your pictures that we have gotten and it makes it all worth it all over again. I know one day I will be able to tell you all of this in person. My only wish is that it is sooner than later. 19 Months since your adoption. Thank you for being you Jv. WE love you.

Dr. Result's and thinking.

Ever since the day you left I have only imagined what it would be like to see you again. I never really thought what it would take to make sure I get to that day first. After you left I won't lie my weight shot up and I really didn't take care of myself. I ate whatever  I wanted when I wanted it, Stayed up all hours of the day and night going days without sleep, and failed to take most of my meds when I should have been taking them all along. This year in January I vowed I was going to take better care of me. I have had appointments with my Primary Dr. and A cardiologist. Thankful that my Dr. appointment with my Cardiologist went better than my appointment with my Primary. With all the health issues I do have I was lucky I have not done to much irreversible damage to my heart at this point. As the Dr. said I look like a patient who has had high blood pressure since the age of 18. My Primary Dr on the other hand is working to get my Blood pressure stable and it just does not seem to be working. This week he took the total number of meds for just my blood pressure up to 3. Told me that I was the perfect candidate for lap band surgery and I should consider it. All because I asked him about seeing a diet Dr. to help with the weight. I can't do any of that until my blood pressure is under control. What did I do to myself? How did I let it get so bad? Where did I go wrong? These are all questions that I have for myself and I could just kick myself in the ass for not taking better care of myself. You have been my driving force along with your sisters. I want to live long enough to see you all again. I want to be healthy, vibrant and active. I want to have a life. A life outside of these 4 walls of this house. I know what I have to do and I am prepared to do it. no matter what. Thank you for being the driving force I need.