Happiness

I have been asked recently what it is going to take to make me happy? In the back of my mind every single time this question is presented to me a little voice says I think I gave my happiness away. There are so many days where I miss you so much and not hearing from D and Y makes it even harder. I have tried just about everything I can to have some sort of communication and it appears I have been rebuffed at every single turn. 42 days until we hit the two year mark another milestone in this walk that we have made for ourselves. Who would have known that this would be such a long hard lonely walk?

I keep trying to look towards the positive in it all. I don't want to be one of those birth moms that hates adoption and everything that goes with it. I want to be one of those birth moms that can hopefully somehow make the entire process better for someone who could perhaps end up in my exact shoes when they start their walk and not know what to expect and be promised things only to feel betrayed and hurt when none of those promises come true. I wish that one day those promises would just be fulfilled. Why say you are going to do something when you are not? I don't think when those promises are being made that anyone really thinks that there is a possibility that they are not going to happen but in all reality I should have thought that first and foremost when I started this walk. It just goes to prove that you can't trust anyone. Not saying I don't trust D and Y because I have entrusted them with the most precious gift in the world YOU. I entrust them to make what they feel is the right decisions for you but at the same time only hoped that some of those decisions would include me in a positive way. Maybe one day. Until then I think the answer to the question is my happiness is in the eyes of a little girl whom I long to see just one more time even from a distance at this point.

I have happiness in the things that we do and the things that I am accomplishing in my life but a huge piece of my heart was taken the day you left and I can't wait till it comes back to me. We walk these walks in life for a reason. To learn and to benefit from what we have learned either positive or negative. We learn. I love you baby girl and Miss you so much.

Now What?

I have been thinking about you so much lately. Wondering what you are up to this summer? Wondering how tall you have gotten and the new words that you might be saying? I have been wondering all kinds of things and none of them I have any answers to. I try to imagine but it is almost impossible these days. I am certain that baby voice you had you don't have anymore. What I would not give to get a glimpse of you somewhere in public but I am sure it will never happen. I have not gotten photo's since March and it has really been bothering me considering the agreement stats 4 times a year. September 29th will be the end of the second year and we still have only gotten photos of you twice this year. So aggravating. Seems that talking to the agency and the attorney has yielded nothing in a response to my request for photos and a update. Where do I go from here? What do I do next? Is there anything I can do? Where do  I go from here? I miss you so much and it does not matter what I say or do I can't make them understand how important it is for me to at least get photos and updates. Why promise something if you are not going to do it? Why not just say that is not the way it is going to be for us.  Why not just say that you were not OK with this from the beginning? Why lie to me? The longer and longer I wait the more and more irritated and distraught I get. Why does it have to be this way? Why can't they put themselves in my shoes and understand the pain they are causing. Just once PLEASE JUST ONCE.