Terrifying Journey

It has been awhile since I have written to you. I feel bad that it is has been so long actually. So many things have changed in that time. I was in Las Vegas October 1 when the shooting at the Route 91 music festival happened. The very next day I put the deposit down on our place in Las Vegas. Nothing was deturing me from moving. Shortly after that I made the drive from Fl to Las Vegas with three cats and a car full of stuff to start a new.  Also In October I was diagnosed with Endometrial Hyperplaish. basically a long word for excessive utern lining and constant bleeding. After many tests blood work and biopsys I am having my uterus removed 5 days from now.  It is now going to be a definate that  I will no longer have anymore children. I have been ready for this in my head for a long time and I thought I was ready for it in my heart as well but I am not so sure now. I know there are many out there maybe even you who say oh Thank god she can't pro create anymore. IT is not so much about being able to as it is just having that option. Once that option is taken away it becomes real that I will never feel another kick. I will never pick another name. I will never have another baby. I really am alright with you being the last one. You always save the best for last right? I think the thing that i am not ok with yet is the option. It feels different when you have your options taken away Vs when you say you will never.
Tomorrow is March 1st in Las Vegas and well everywhere else as well but I am looking forward to the spring in the Valley. New Flowers at the conservatory more people on the strip and more fun to be had by all. I am ready to be recovered from this ordeal already and I have not even had the surgery yet.

One day at a time.

Today is the day .

Today is the day. It is moving day. 7 Years ago I came back to this place expecting you. 6 Years ago I brought you home from the hospital here. There were many of sleepless nights. many of days where I watched you play Many of nights where I would beg you to go to sleep. I brought you home from the hospital here, You had your first birthday party here, you rolled over, sat up and took your first steps here. You also took your first set of stairs on like a pro. This was also the place where your mommy and daddy first met you. This is the place that you will never remember but it is the place i will remember the most.

Daddy E and I came to tampa in 2003 so that your sisters could be close to their grand and great grandma as well as the rest of the family. I cannot say it was the biggest mistake of our lives in doing so because we would not be where we are now but it was a major disappointment on the family side to say the least. When you were born it was more than evident that side of the family fell apart when your GG passed. We all knew it would happen.
SO now Tampa has nothing left to offer us so here we go. We start this journey to the other side of the country for a frest start. WE both get to keep the jobs that we currently have here in Tampa and we get to do them from home. BIG Plus. But I am going to miss this place. If for anything Simply for the memories.

SO Today is the (your) day. Your off to great places your off and away.

Simply with all the love in the world.

Hurricane Irma.

Hurricane Irma hit Florida  a week ago today. I was in Colorado and Las Vegas at the time and I am thankful that I was not here. Not much damage here in the Tampa Bay area thank goodness. we dodged a bullet there. Daddy E evacuated on Saturday of that week and met me in Denver where he helped celebrate your Auntie J's wedding. After all these years she is now a married woman. I admit i shed a few tears. I felt like I was loosing my best friend  but I infact was not. Little did I know that your Daddy E has made the final decision to see our move to the other coast become a reality. I am beyond excited, scared and eager all at the same time. I sent off so many resumes this weekend I am sure the calls will start this week. I could be on the other coast before Thanksgiving. What a wonderful holiday it will be if we have made the long haul by then. I will be closer to Auntie J and some of the Kizer side of the family as well. One day at a time. I am ready for this. I am beyond ready for this. I love my job and I wish I could convience them to let me take it with me. Unfortuantly it just does not seem like that is going to happen. :( So with that being said I am going to look at the company that is out there that I can do the same job with. I would love to not have to change companies but I have to do what is going to make ME happy. what is going to make Daddy E happy and what is going to my Jen Jen happy. Granted you won't know it but I will. I will be closer to you being over there as well. I know it has been a long time sine I have written and that is my fault. I just felt that I kept saying I cant believe how much time has passed and I cant believe this or that.  so I just stopped writing. Amazing how a blank page can be so damn intimidating. 

It's been a long time.

I looked back at the last blog that I posted and it has been quiet awhile. SO much has happened I am not even sure where to begin.

I am full time with the company I left CVS For last summer. I am still a Pharmacy Technician but I am making quiet a bit more money than in the retail setting. I am happy. I have health insurance and I am about to be able to work from home on the full time bases and never have to worry about going into the office again. I am so looking forward to that. It means that we can make our move to Nevada and be alright. Daddy E just has a change in his job as well. he went from hourly to salary and changed portions of the company. Within 6 months we are hoping that he is gone from this company. It is coming time. He has been with the company for almost 8 years. I am not sure how the company is going to respond when he puts in his notice but I think it is time for him to put himself first and forget those who are not going to stand for you. His loyalty has really gotten him no where in the 8 years he has been there and he sees that now. On to Bigger and better things baby girl.

I can only imagine the things that you are doing right now. It has been a long time since I have gotten any correspondence or photos at all. I am sure that you are huge and the boss over em all. I miss you. I still thinking about you daily but the pain has gotten less intense for the most part. I am happy and I am moving in the right direction with my life and I still stand on the knowledge that I know I did the right thing for you. I love you baby girl. I miss you. Just a small quick update to keep the memories alive.

A Summer full of changes.

I can't believe how long it has been since I have written to you. So much has changed this year. I cannot believe that it is already August first off.  This summer is pretty much over and it seems like I hardly blinked. I am not even sure where to begin. 
I moved jobs at the end of July after being with CVS for over a year. They wanted to give me a .21 cent raise but I had a better off elsewhere. It was time for me to get out of the retail and out from in front of the customer. Not to mention my boss was not the greatest to begin with. He was new in his position and I just don't think he really knew how to do his job. It was kinda thrown at him. Looking back on it now if I would have been in his position I think I would have been lost as well but I don't think that I would have treated my staff the way that he did Or the customers. I miss the customers when I think about it but at the same time I don't.
Before I moved positions Auntie Q found out that she had Breast Cancer. We were all very worried and everyone rallied around her. She had surgery and came out on the best side of it she could have. NO chemo!!! I don't think that I have ever see someone go from breast cancer fighter to breast cancer survivor so quickly. I am so proud to call her your Auntie Q and my friend. I am also over the moon that with plenty of rest and recovery time she will be back to good health much quicker than Chemo would have caused. 
Tonight we became a two car family again tonight. I am beyond excited. 

11/09/2016 Oh my goodness I come back to this tonight and see that i did not  get to finish it. By this time Auntie Q has had her reconstruction surgery and she is two weeks post op. She is a trooper. I have been with my new job for 16 weeks now maybe more  i am starting to loose count. But I am enjoying it and doing just fine. Dad E is working his new position and while he seems stressed sometimes I know he is much happier that he is no longer on the phones having to listen to the sob stories and the bull shit that the students would give him so that they could appeal their dismissals and return to school. One step at a time. I still have the goal to move but it seems that it just keeps getting further and further away with the flip of the months on the calendar. There is always next year. 

Major Health Changes Even more major country changes

In the last week several major health things have happened to me. I never go to the emergency room for anything and last Thursday I had to leave work and make the trip to the Er because I was in so much pain  I was in tears and could not concentrate at all. They gave me nausea medication and morphine and started and IV and did blood work and urine and a cat scan and an ultrasound (First one I have had since the afternoon before I had you). It was strange not seeing anything in my uterus. That is what it looks like empty. All of these test and they could not find the reason for my pain. Sent me home on pain meds and nausea medication and with the new found knowledge that diabetes was officially a diagnosis for me. I had a follow up appointment with my provider on Tuesday and he pulled my A1C level and it was 8.2 He said anything under a 10 he would be happy with so 8.2 he was elated. I on the other had was disappointed in myself. It is very true that since you left I have really let myself go. I gained more weight i did not take care of myself. Overall I was and still am not happy with where I am in my life. I don't want to be in FL anymore and it seems that every time I think I am getting close to getting out of here something sucks us back in right where we have been for the last 10 years. Honestly I am tired of it. BUT now I feel like a failure. I have spent my life around Diabetes and I know what it can do to a person. It takes their lives. They make their decisions and some can correct the problem and some cannot. I am one that can and I WILL correct the issue but to be honest it should not be an issue to begin with. I knew better. I hope that you never have to deal with any of my illnesses. High blood pressure, Diabetes a family riddled with heart disease. Allergies asthma migraines and the list goes on and on. I just have to shake my head at myself. I hope that you are doing well. It has been so long since i have been able to just sit down and write you a line or two. this year is almost gone. I am not sure when I blinked and woke up to all the mess that is going on but here we are. The united states elected Donald Trump into office yesterday for the next President of the united states. I am not sure how I feel about that. I am not a very big political person but I feel like we are taking a 50 year step back in the wrong direction of the progresses we have made over the years by allowing this man to steer the helm of our United States government. All we can do is sit on the side lines with bated breath and hope he does not do the things he promised or he gets impeached for something. He is bound to mess up at some point. He is notorious for sticking his foot in his mouth and saying or doing the wrong things. It is a good thing that you are still young and hopefully won't remember much of his presidency. Stay young and innocent baby girl. I love you.

Happy 4 Year Anniversary Since your Adoption.

1462 Day's ago 209 Weeks ago 48 Month's ago

35088 Hour's ago 2105280 Minute's ago

126316800 Second's ago

It is hard to believe that all of this time has gone by. When I look at how many months it has been it does not seem like it is really long enough. Seems like it has been longer. But when I look at the days I see it. 4 years and so much has changed. Today was not as rough as it was the very first year or even last year. Today was a good day. I hope the sun shined brightly for you where ever you are right now. I hope the birds sang and the butterflies flew just for you. You are missed. I hope that one day you will know that. Right now we know it and that is what matters. Another year has flown by so quickly. So much has changed over the years. The one thing you will find in life is that change is the only consistent thing in life. Roll with em baby girl. Roll with em. I love you baby girl.