18 Months Ago.

18 Months ago (should be titled I was a bitch today). March 29, 2014

18 months ago we signed the papers. I cannot say that I would change it if I knew then what I know now because that is not necessarily the case. Looking back on that day I had a thousand and one wishes for you. I still do. I had only a couple for myself. I wanted you to have everything you had here but on a much larger scale. It took us a long time but in some regards maybe not long enough. I am constantly reminded about the pain I caused your sisters because they are to young to understand why you could not live with them. Seems that no one remembers or speaks of the pain I caused myself or several other people who were actually involved in your life up until the day you left. It is always about someone else and what they are feeling. I guess the selfish part of me is getting a little tired of it.I have been called selfish because I let you go. When if only they knew it was one of the most unselfish things I have ever done in my life. I wanted better for you and while my heart hurts on days like today I am comforted most days knowing that you are living your little life to the fullest and having the best time doing it. You have someone who is attentive to your every word and they encourage you to do as you wish. I remember countless nights I would get frustrated because I would be so tired and you would refuse to go to sleep. Oh how I long for those nights again. Now those sleepless nights are just me and the Tv. I often sit in the living room in the quiet of the house and just picture the way things use to be. Wall to wall toys, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on the television and the echos of momma momma momma in the background.. So much has changed since you have been gone. Every single time we change something in the house it takes me back to the little things right after you first left. The things that were still yours but I had to let go of anyway. I have several boxes of things that I still have not let go of and I don't think that I ever will. I have given your sisters several things to remember you by as well and hope that on the nights when they miss you the most they can look at those things and it will help ease how they feel. No one ever said this journey was going to be easy but no one ever prepared me for the heartache that I would endure over the last 18 months either. I look at it two ways. I never knew how weak I really was until all of this. Those are the bad days. On the good days I can look at it and see I was never knew how strong I really was until now. Today is not one of those good days. I feel weak.  I feel like I have spent most of the last 18 months lying to people when they ask me if I am doing alright I just simply tell them yes, I am doing fine. No one really knows the constant battle I have with myself to even get out of bed most days. I have been able to get my first Associate's of Science Degree in these past 18 months granted I am not quiet sure how. I am returning to school April 21st for my second one and hope that by this time next year I will be working in a hospital or somewhere where I will be able to use my second degree and be happy. A large part of my life is missing. YOU. I don't try to fill that part of my life because nothing can replace you, I still look in the children's section of almost any store I walk into and your name comes up often. Oh this would look cute on JV. or she would have rocked that outfit or those shoes or loved that toy. The list goes on and on. I don't know if that is doing more harm for me than good but it will benefit some little girl around your age come Christmas time. I miss you Jv. and so does your daddy and your sisters. I wish things could be different than they are but I know that is not how D and Y are wanting it right now and I respect that. Maybe one day. No matter the picture that was pained for me 18 months ago or what I thought was painted for me it did not prepare me for any of this. I have had to surrender all control and I am not good at that but I have done it. Almost everything regarding this process is out of my control the only thing that is not is the fact that my heart is still in it and with you always. It always will be. Next month is going to be a hard one but I am going to remain positive about it. April 29th you will be with D and Y for as long as you were with me and dad. Does not even seem possible that this day is so close. As long as you are happy that is all that matters and everything we see proves that you are. I see the glow in your eyes and how much you love your brother D. We gave you the world baby girl along with our hearts.

I was reminded.

Last night (March 12,2014) we were in the car driving to Target and we were talking about some things. I brought you up and E reminded me about how strong you really are. We use to work at the local community theater when you were little even when I was Pregnant with you. You were very much the theater baby. Anyway. You were on the couch and fell off E scooped you up and ran outside with you thinking that you were going to scream your lungs out and all you did was a big grunt like you were frustrated that you actually fell. He was certain that you were going to disrupt the show that was currently on stage just in the other room.  It reminded me just how strong you always have been and I am certain you always will be.  I am glad to hear that he is writing things down. He is right he does not write near as much as I do. By the time this blog is 18 years old it will be 3 books I am sure. But I was thankful for his reminder. Sometimes you tend to forget the small things like that. You fought my entire pregnancy to exist. You wanted to be a part of this world more than anything in your little being and I am certain that you are right where you belong. Love you to much to not believe that.

A selfish thought.

Tonight I had a selfish thought. As it turned midnight and the house was quiet because your daddy had gone off to bed it left me in the living room alone. Just me and my thoughts. I had a selfish moment. A moment where I thought to myself I didn't think how lonely late nights would be without you. You use to keep me up all hours of the day and night and it use to drive me crazy. Is it nuts of me to want even one of those nights back now? There are going to be many lonely days and nights ahead in the next 15 years I am sure. With every single one of them I will be wishing that you were here. My heart is heavy tonight for you. I miss you so much that it hurts. I feel like I am missing so much. Like I gave my whole world away. There have been so many times recently that I have caught myself saying I want my baby back. You will always be my baby but you are theirs and that is who you were always meant to be with. I love to see your smile in a photo. Those beautiful brown eyes that captivate your heart with just a turn of your head. You have everyone in the room wrapped around your little finger in less than a second. You will always have me wrapped around your little finger. You just turned 37 months old a few days ago. I didn't write on that day but i did think about you most of the day.  I think about you everyday. Today is just one of those days where my emotions are getting the best of me.

Finding it hard

I will admit that since February 28th I am finding it hard to deal with these dates. You have been with D and Y for 520 days or 12486 hours or even 749185 minutes. You were only with us for 602 days. That day were you have been with them longer than you were with us is approaching faster than I can even process at this point. I have not gotten any new photos since December and it is really starting to bother me. All of this is really starting to bother me. I feel like a zombie and a raving bitch most of the time. I want to scream and yell but it will do no good. I want to take it all back but the only thing that is going to solve is my pain. I know I can't do that to you. You are happy you are healthy loved and taken care of. That should be enough for me Right?I feel like I am slowly loosing my mind. I miss you. No amount of anything is going to change how much I miss you. When I put all the numbers down in my blog it does not make it feel any better in fact it just stares at me from the screen. I guess we will leave it at that for now. Today is not a very good day at this point. Hope to turn that around.