Benefit of the doubt.

Emailed K tonight to see if they had heard from D and Y and perhaps by a long shot had gotten any photos or updates. My email was simple as follows

Thought I would check in to see if you ever heard from D. I hope his parents are ok. They are in my thoughts. 

This is the response that I got.

Sorry but no.  I will call him again tomorrow 

My next simple response.

I didn't think so Thanks.

I really hate feeling like this. We have 21 days till we hit the two year mark in all of this and then everything becomes uncertain more so than it already has and it is scary. I am not sure if I would have known about all of this that I would have still been ok with our decision. It takes a strong person to walk this walk and I am not so sure I am that person sometimes. I feel weak I want to scream, cry and take it all back but I know I can't. So I have to somehow learn how to live with all of this. I don't want to. I don't want to have to be the person who has to settle for less. Why am I always the one sacrificing? It seem's so unfair sometimes. I only hope that in the very end of all of this that it is all worth it for you in the decisions they are making. I don't want you to grow up and hate them or me. I want them to allow us to be a part of your childhood no matter how small. SOMETHING at this point is better than nothing. I guess I can understand that they are scared but we are too. Have been since day one. Guess that will never change.

I don't hate them at all. I give them every single benefit of the doubt in the world but for who's benefit is it for really?

29 Days August 31st 2014

29 days to the day until the 2 year mark since you have been gone and look at what your daddy E found in the side of the couch today. 

I have known since the day you left that it was there and managed to keep it in that spot except for a couple times when someone would find it. Well today that someone was Daddy E. He had no idea it was there and I don't think had any idea that I would react the way I did to him taking it out of it's spot. I think he thought I was a crazy woman when I started telling him to put it back put it back put it back. That Doughnut has been in a little pocket part of the side of couch for a long time. I have left it there because I feel like that is where it belongs. So many things in this house have changed since you left and that is one of the only things that is still left right where you left it. I guess that couch will not be going anywhere anytime soon. Funny thing we looked at another couch about 2-3 months ago. I would have been devastated if this couch would have left with your doughnut in it. 

Hard to believe that there are only 29 days left until the two year mark of this journey. I am daily trying to find new ways to deal with it all. I feel like I am doing the best I can with the situation I have put myself in. 2 Years Jv. WOW. How much you have grown I am sure in 2 years. Just of the few things that I have seen you have grown leaps and bounds and I am so happy and proud of you. I have heard that one of your grandparents is not doing well and that is one of the reasons besides summer travel that I have not received photos. I really try not to be selfish about it but at the same time all I am asking for are a few pictures to know that you are happy. I just keep trying to stay positive about it all. Some days are harder than others but I think that is just life. More to come this month I am sure. Stay tuned.