I have a confession..............

Well the days have finally come. I am back on a company payroll. I have been for a week but today I worked my first shift in the actual pharmacy that I am going to be working in at least for the next year if not more. I have really been trying hard to understand my emotions because they have been a whirl wind for sure. It is so weird to come home from work and not have to run bath's, feed a baby or toddler, It is weird to not be a mom per say. I miss it. I took so many things for granted not only with you but all of your siblings as well.

I know I have said it over and over again but it just does not seem like it has been this long since you have been gone. Today it feels even longer to me. 929 days today. We are almost in the quad digits. Wow that is a hard one to swallow.

We are now at 931 days, I started this on Tuesday May 14th and did not get a chance to finish it.

I have been using a handy little thing that Facebook came out with that takes you back into time of the past posts and photo's that you posted from previous years. Your photos come up almost daily.
 I must have been a picture posting hound back then. My statuses come up often about the sleepless nights and me practically begging for you to sleep. Man I wish I could take all those posts back. I would love to spend a sleepless night with you now. I feel like when I wrote those posts I failed you as your mommy. The whole time I was looking for sleep and not looking at the brighter side of being up with you all night long. Those were precious times that I will never get back. Times that I will never be able to do again. I am sorry Jv. I should have been more patient. I can see where I went wrong in those times now and I want to kick myself for them. You have taught me so much.

I know with your Daddy D and mom Y that I have not failed you there. You are a bright ray of sunshine and sharp as a tack. I hope that they brighten your world like you do theirs.

Until next time.

MOM.

First day of work

Today was the first time I walked into a work place and got paid for what I did. Which was pretty much NOTHING. I sat in a classroom setting for several hours and listened to someone tell me things that I have already known or already done. Then I was told that I get to do them again because when I did them before I did it as an extern and I have to do them now as a employee. OH Goody. I am not thrilled about this at all. IN all honesty I am actually pissed about it. Simply because none of the stuff that I have to do again is different from what I had to do when I did it for my extern position. SO FRUSTRATING. I can't wait for this part of it all to be over with so that I can go to my store do my job and make a difference. I really fell like I am back to square one at not knowing anything that I have already been taught. I spent 180+ hours counting scripts, working with customers, insurance companies etc and I am now being told I have to sit in a classroom setting on Saturday and move skittles and tic tac's around on a counting try and act like they are pills. TELL ME WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE PLEASE? Someone besides me has to understand how degrading this is to me. I don't normally let things get to me when it comes to work and I don't tend to have to much to say about it or bring it all home from work but this one has me lit up just a little. When I left for work today I could only think about that I didn't have anyone to drop off or pick up from day care when it was over. I did not have that little person to take my focus off of being so frustrated or that little one to do something cute and make me smile or laugh. I miss that. It felt weird. I didn't think at this juncture it could feel weird anymore but it does. This is something that I have not done since you left and today started a new chapter and in all honesty I can't even be happy about it right now.

I am still kicking myself in the butt for not getting an Easter card to add to your box of cards. I will get one but it will be late and I will know it. Will anyone else? Not unless they read the blog but I will know. So it matters. It matters big to me. Should be something so small how can it matter so big?

I hope you had a Happy Easter. I am sure it was filled with many bunny rabbits, egg hunts, and lots of fun.

Until next time. Thanks for letting me vent.