Who would have thought.

In 2009 when I turned 30 I never thought that I would be sitting here writing to you 4 years 364 days later. When I turned 30 you were not even a thought in my imagination. In my wildest dreams. I never thought that just before my 31st birthday I would be getting news that we were expecting you. Those next 4 years I never thought would be such an emotional roller coaster for my life. Yet I never thought I would learn so much from it. When I look back on 30 I was wild. Nothing slowed me down. I did what I wanted when I wanted and I was surrounded by friends (or so I thought) who did the same things. Fast forward to today and none of those friends are around anymore. I find myself alone more often than not and I am not that wild person I was when I turned 30. It is amazing the decisions that you make in your life really do affect your surroundings. I learned that the hard way I guess. Some people seem to think that your adoption was something out of left field. Like it was never planned. Little did they know it was planned all along. It just had to be the right time. Your adoption was not a conventional adoption. You were with us for almost 20 months before you went to be with your parents. We were your parents for that time. Maybe that is why it is hard for me some days. Who knows. Maybe it would have been even harder if I would have let you go directly from the hospital. How would it have been to come home empty handed? I will never have that feeling and for that I am grateful. I have enough feelings and emotions on what we have felt at this point. You changed our world little girl and I am forever grateful for it. On days I want to give up you force me to push on. On days I want to say forget the world you make me remember. On days I want to end it all you give me the reason to live. You may not be in my life every single day like you were before your adoption but you are in my heart every single minute and everything I do I do in hopes that one day you can say you are proud. That we both have a better life for the selfless decision's your dad and I made for the all of us. I look around now and I am surrounded by Minnie Mouse. Balloon's, key chain's, figurines, dolls and then some. They remind me of you. Minnie and Mickey were/ are your favorite. So it only seems fitting that I am staying at a Disney world resort this weekend in Orlando. After all we are the reason that you love Minnie/ Mickey so much. No we are not going to Disney world but we will be in the area. Fall I think we will take that plunge again and while I am terrified to do it I think it is time. Who knows who we might see in the crowd. Maybe we can catch a glimpse of that blond hair brown eyed girl who looks kinda like me.

Thank you Jv. Thank you for making me slow down and smell the flowers, love the sunshine and listen to the rain. Who would have thought one little girl could teach someone so much.

I don't like the word's

Today I said 3 words I don't like to say at all.

Those three words were

                                                                     I GIVE UP. 

I have been attempting to get pictures for a couple months now. Something so I could see how much you have grown. Something that would let me see that you are doing alright. I got word back that the agency has reached out in hopes of getting those photos but that they have heard nothing.

This is the response I got back from my question about pictures from my agency representative.

I have not spoken to Y or D since the last time we spoke

They have not sent us any more pictures although I asked for them

You are being reasonable and your requests for pictures and update

Once again I will try to contact them and ask them and let you know if I hear from them

I truly wish this process was easier for you. 

And this is my response back to him.

At this point it is not even a reasonable request. I have gotten photos 2 times this year (year ending September 29th) and according to the agreement they signed I would get them 4 times a year until the two year mark. He wants to go by the agreement so bad I am only asking for what I was promised. I've pretty much given up on anything else. After September 29th the pics are going to be sporadic according to the agreement but until then some sort of cooperation from them would be nice. I've given them the world in Jv  in return they have given me nothing but heartache by their denials of visitations and a simple photo request. I give up 

I don't want to give up. I don't want to stop trying. I don't want you to think that I stopped caring at any point in this journey because that is not the case at all. I want you to know that there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about you and wish that I could see you, Wish that I could hold you,  Wish that I could hear your voice. There is not a day that goes by that I don't look for a photo in my inbox. More days than I care to mention have passed that I have not received one. I want to watch you grown I want to watch you blossom into a beautiful little girl and then young woman. But I guess that is just not meant for me in this journey.

My representative wants to speak to me regarding an idea he has and I will talk to him in a day or so. I just could not do it today. How many more disappointments are there going to be before one day I can open a email and there be at least one photo of you. Why does this journey have to be filled with so much heartache and pain.

I know I did what was best for you. As I said to someone yesterday I gave you everything and more with the family was chose for you. I know that and I will always say that. But while I gave you everything in the world I stripped myself of all of it. I never knew how hard this was going to be. Def not for the faint of heart.

I am doing something with my life so when the time comes and we see you again you can see that I did not spend my life after you doing nothing. I want you to be proud of the accomplishments that I have made. Why it is so important to me I am not sure but it is. You are my motivation every single day. One day you will be old enough to know that. Much much love Jv.

Just a Birth mom's Dream

654 days ago is how long it has been. We have 76 more days until the two year mark. I thought so many different things would have happened at this point in our journey. Never did I prepare myself for the things that have actually happened that we never thought in a million years would. You were with us for 602 days and we were not prepared for those either but they were some of the best days we would ever have without even knowing it at the time. I can't believe that we are coming up on the two year mark. That day holds so many things and yet none of it we really even know at this point. I have been doing my best to choke back emotions I have been having lately and tonight it is not working so well. There have been no recent photo's and every time that happens it gets to me. I know March is really not that long ago but to me it seems like forever.It has been forever since I have blogged to you and I am not sure why. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you or talk about you. Your name still echo's in this house daily. I don't think that will ever change. Your dad and I are proud of you. We are proud of what you taught us and the beautiful little girl that you are.

There have been so many people who have had babies or who are having babies that we know and I find myself in the baby isle of any store these days. Something I could not do when you left. I avoided those isles like the plague. I see things that you had and I become a broken record oh JV had that. I am sure I have become more than annoying to anyone around me.

Adoption is such a mixed bag of emotions. One day you are fine with it the next you don't think you are yet you know you are because you did what was best OR did you? I still don't think that your dad and I have ever doubted our decision but I think sometimes we have a weak moment or a selfish moment and wonder what the heck we were thinking. None of that is going to change anything and we rest in the fact that they are doing exactly what we asked them to do no matter how much it might hurt sometimes. I could not ask for better parents for you. But you know what baby girl? Adoption hurts. It hurts like hell. It is not for the weak of heart. Don't let anyone ever tell you that it is easy they are lying. I never imagined the heartache and pain I would feel from knowing I did what was right for you. How could that hurt so bad? Because We love you. Plain and simple.
I think it is just my dream that you will one day know and understand that. Just a Birth mom's Dream.