I don't like the word's

Today I said 3 words I don't like to say at all.

Those three words were

                                                                     I GIVE UP. 

I have been attempting to get pictures for a couple months now. Something so I could see how much you have grown. Something that would let me see that you are doing alright. I got word back that the agency has reached out in hopes of getting those photos but that they have heard nothing.

This is the response I got back from my question about pictures from my agency representative.

I have not spoken to Y or D since the last time we spoke

They have not sent us any more pictures although I asked for them

You are being reasonable and your requests for pictures and update

Once again I will try to contact them and ask them and let you know if I hear from them

I truly wish this process was easier for you. 

And this is my response back to him.

At this point it is not even a reasonable request. I have gotten photos 2 times this year (year ending September 29th) and according to the agreement they signed I would get them 4 times a year until the two year mark. He wants to go by the agreement so bad I am only asking for what I was promised. I've pretty much given up on anything else. After September 29th the pics are going to be sporadic according to the agreement but until then some sort of cooperation from them would be nice. I've given them the world in Jv  in return they have given me nothing but heartache by their denials of visitations and a simple photo request. I give up 

I don't want to give up. I don't want to stop trying. I don't want you to think that I stopped caring at any point in this journey because that is not the case at all. I want you to know that there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about you and wish that I could see you, Wish that I could hold you,  Wish that I could hear your voice. There is not a day that goes by that I don't look for a photo in my inbox. More days than I care to mention have passed that I have not received one. I want to watch you grown I want to watch you blossom into a beautiful little girl and then young woman. But I guess that is just not meant for me in this journey.

My representative wants to speak to me regarding an idea he has and I will talk to him in a day or so. I just could not do it today. How many more disappointments are there going to be before one day I can open a email and there be at least one photo of you. Why does this journey have to be filled with so much heartache and pain.

I know I did what was best for you. As I said to someone yesterday I gave you everything and more with the family was chose for you. I know that and I will always say that. But while I gave you everything in the world I stripped myself of all of it. I never knew how hard this was going to be. Def not for the faint of heart.

I am doing something with my life so when the time comes and we see you again you can see that I did not spend my life after you doing nothing. I want you to be proud of the accomplishments that I have made. Why it is so important to me I am not sure but it is. You are my motivation every single day. One day you will be old enough to know that. Much much love Jv.