Who would have thought.

In 2009 when I turned 30 I never thought that I would be sitting here writing to you 4 years 364 days later. When I turned 30 you were not even a thought in my imagination. In my wildest dreams. I never thought that just before my 31st birthday I would be getting news that we were expecting you. Those next 4 years I never thought would be such an emotional roller coaster for my life. Yet I never thought I would learn so much from it. When I look back on 30 I was wild. Nothing slowed me down. I did what I wanted when I wanted and I was surrounded by friends (or so I thought) who did the same things. Fast forward to today and none of those friends are around anymore. I find myself alone more often than not and I am not that wild person I was when I turned 30. It is amazing the decisions that you make in your life really do affect your surroundings. I learned that the hard way I guess. Some people seem to think that your adoption was something out of left field. Like it was never planned. Little did they know it was planned all along. It just had to be the right time. Your adoption was not a conventional adoption. You were with us for almost 20 months before you went to be with your parents. We were your parents for that time. Maybe that is why it is hard for me some days. Who knows. Maybe it would have been even harder if I would have let you go directly from the hospital. How would it have been to come home empty handed? I will never have that feeling and for that I am grateful. I have enough feelings and emotions on what we have felt at this point. You changed our world little girl and I am forever grateful for it. On days I want to give up you force me to push on. On days I want to say forget the world you make me remember. On days I want to end it all you give me the reason to live. You may not be in my life every single day like you were before your adoption but you are in my heart every single minute and everything I do I do in hopes that one day you can say you are proud. That we both have a better life for the selfless decision's your dad and I made for the all of us. I look around now and I am surrounded by Minnie Mouse. Balloon's, key chain's, figurines, dolls and then some. They remind me of you. Minnie and Mickey were/ are your favorite. So it only seems fitting that I am staying at a Disney world resort this weekend in Orlando. After all we are the reason that you love Minnie/ Mickey so much. No we are not going to Disney world but we will be in the area. Fall I think we will take that plunge again and while I am terrified to do it I think it is time. Who knows who we might see in the crowd. Maybe we can catch a glimpse of that blond hair brown eyed girl who looks kinda like me.

Thank you Jv. Thank you for making me slow down and smell the flowers, love the sunshine and listen to the rain. Who would have thought one little girl could teach someone so much.