A glimmer of hope and one step at a time.

For the first time in over 2 years E and I went to Disney World. It was the first time we walked into the park since you have been gone. I wanted to document this moment. It was a HUGE step for me and I was thankful that your dad and my Jen were there to experience it with me. The first few steps were hard. There were children all around.  A 1,001 and one ways of parenting all in one park at one time was a lot to take in. Seeing little ones your age was hard to see but also it helped me. I could no go into the laugh floor and even the Buzz light year ride was hard without you but I did it. It was the first ride we rode. We got to experience the New Seven Dwarfs run away Mine Train as well and it was a great ride but it will be awhile before I do that one again. We even rode Haunted Mansion. does not seem like we did that much but it was a big day for us. We were happy with what we accomplished and I did it without crying even tho I am sitting here now crying. Walking into the Bear Jamboree area i almost lost it because I have photos that your D and Y sent me and I knew that at least one point after you left us you were standing in that very area on your own Disney experience. I felt close to you for that moment. I was constantly looking in the crowd because you never know  who you are going to see. Maybe one day While i am looking around I will see your beautiful face in the crowd. Until then I will return time after time and maybe one day I will be able to go on the Laugh floor.

On the way home I got this exact message from the Adoption Attorney.......Hello. I received an email from D saying that they write you an update and that they were getting photos developed for you and that they were sending them to my office.

I responded to her thankful for her efforts in getting photos from your D and Y. and that I look forward to seeing them when she gets them.

I hate that I had to take such a drastic measure to get photos that were already promised to me. I guess your D took me a little more seriously and decided it was in his best interest.

So all in all not a bad Monday. I am not holding my breath on photos and I am waiting with bated breath to see what type of update they wrote. I can only hope that it is not more heart crushing news. Seems like every time I get an update it is something negative and not positive. Here's to fingers crossed.

Jumbled Brain and Endless Rambling

A little over a week ago I completely lost every bit of emotional composure I had in me these past two years. I uttered the words I never thought I would hear myself say. "I want my baby back" It came from a place of complete selfishness and hurt. Your dad and I still to this very day even a week later know we did exactly what was best for you. That does not mean that it has not come with some very big emotional blows in the past two years that have left some very deep scars. Being denied the annual visitation that we were once promised was huge. You moving across the country was huge and this year not getting the promised photos has been awful. I think that just a combination of all of it has finally eaten at me enough that I just could not hold it together anymore. I have done things to keep myself busy but when the house goes silent at night and the time goes idle there is the whispers in the night that bring my mind flooding back to the way things were when you were here. I find myself still breaking down when everyone is gone even a week later. People don't understand and I don't expect them to but I wish there was just one person who got it. One person who didn't judge or tell me that I brought this on myself. I know I have but that does not make it any easier to deal with and this is not exactly the hand I had laid out to me in the beginning of all of this.

I received the final photo book that I have the ability to make you at this time. I am hoping that by some miracle I will receive a ton of photos of you and be able to make another photo book of the last year or so you have had with your mom Y and dad D. If wishes were fishes then no one would go hungry. They stripped me of everything else why not this too. I am emotionally broken and I can't find the pieces to get past any of this. I really just want to curl up in myself and forget the world but I know I can't so I have held it in for so long now it is like it is eating me alive. I just have to remember one breath at a time. Right?

Hoping that the weekend away will help some.

I haven't forgotten

The distance between the posts that I have made recently has been a bit over a month. But I have not forgotten. It really has been anything but forgetting lately. As the days tick by it seems that I am reminded every minute that the deadline has passed and still nothing. It was not that long ago that the hands of time switched and we were left holding the shorter end of the stick. We were left wondering how things were going to be and hoping that they would not turn out this way. Seems that the more times that passes the less surprised I am at the lack of communication. Is it really to much to ask for? Apparently in there eyes yes. In mine it would mean the world. A gesture so small would mean so much. How? It just breaks my heart to think that I have go deal with this for the rest of my life. I did not sign up for this pain. I did not sign up for this heartache and unhappiness. This was not part of the deal. Was it? Just when I think I am on the up and up something comes along and brings me sliding right back down the hill. No one understands. I don't expect them to. All of this is unique and while I search for answers and someone with some sort of understanding I am left holding it all alone. It hardly seems fair. I try not to whine or complain but dammit it hurts. It hurts so bad I don't even want to be in this house anymore. I don't want to be in this state. I don't want to be in these memories. For some reason I seem to think a geographical cure is going to help but I know that it won't. Would be nice if I was right but I know I am wrong. I would wish for the place I brought you home to, I would long for the rooms where we stayed up night after sleepless night until you would finally go to sleep in the wee hours of the morning. I wouldn't know what to do without all of this. Just a little over 2 years ago all of this was finalized and we never thought it would be anything like this. We have been left brokenhearted and used. Yet I still stand by my decision no matter how much heartache and tears we are asked to bear because of it. I know way down deep in my heart you are happy and you are fine but sometimes those small communications of confirmation would be nice to hear. It has been so long and I am sure it will be much longer that I will have to endure and while I am not sure how much more my heart can take I can only say it will endure what it has to. Why? Because I guess this is part of what life is all about. At least my life.

Today was just a really bad day. Actually it has been this way for the past couple weeks. Sometimes I feel like I am falling and there is just no rope to grab onto no matter how hard I try. Use to be when I would get like this I would get an update out of the blue with a photo or two and somehow they just knew it was what I needed. Now I have days like this and no updates. It's been months. It really is heartbreaking when you think about it. I gave them everything and I can't get something so simple yet worth so much. (Ok that was whining). Just wanted to get these thoughts out before bed. Maybe put it out there and see if anything comes up. I can only wish right? Maybe before the holidays come around. I don't know if I can do all these holidays this year without hearing something. Will this be how it is going to be for years to come? I'm not prepared for this if it is.