Jumbled Brain and Endless Rambling

A little over a week ago I completely lost every bit of emotional composure I had in me these past two years. I uttered the words I never thought I would hear myself say. "I want my baby back" It came from a place of complete selfishness and hurt. Your dad and I still to this very day even a week later know we did exactly what was best for you. That does not mean that it has not come with some very big emotional blows in the past two years that have left some very deep scars. Being denied the annual visitation that we were once promised was huge. You moving across the country was huge and this year not getting the promised photos has been awful. I think that just a combination of all of it has finally eaten at me enough that I just could not hold it together anymore. I have done things to keep myself busy but when the house goes silent at night and the time goes idle there is the whispers in the night that bring my mind flooding back to the way things were when you were here. I find myself still breaking down when everyone is gone even a week later. People don't understand and I don't expect them to but I wish there was just one person who got it. One person who didn't judge or tell me that I brought this on myself. I know I have but that does not make it any easier to deal with and this is not exactly the hand I had laid out to me in the beginning of all of this.

I received the final photo book that I have the ability to make you at this time. I am hoping that by some miracle I will receive a ton of photos of you and be able to make another photo book of the last year or so you have had with your mom Y and dad D. If wishes were fishes then no one would go hungry. They stripped me of everything else why not this too. I am emotionally broken and I can't find the pieces to get past any of this. I really just want to curl up in myself and forget the world but I know I can't so I have held it in for so long now it is like it is eating me alive. I just have to remember one breath at a time. Right?

Hoping that the weekend away will help some.