I haven't forgotten

The distance between the posts that I have made recently has been a bit over a month. But I have not forgotten. It really has been anything but forgetting lately. As the days tick by it seems that I am reminded every minute that the deadline has passed and still nothing. It was not that long ago that the hands of time switched and we were left holding the shorter end of the stick. We were left wondering how things were going to be and hoping that they would not turn out this way. Seems that the more times that passes the less surprised I am at the lack of communication. Is it really to much to ask for? Apparently in there eyes yes. In mine it would mean the world. A gesture so small would mean so much. How? It just breaks my heart to think that I have go deal with this for the rest of my life. I did not sign up for this pain. I did not sign up for this heartache and unhappiness. This was not part of the deal. Was it? Just when I think I am on the up and up something comes along and brings me sliding right back down the hill. No one understands. I don't expect them to. All of this is unique and while I search for answers and someone with some sort of understanding I am left holding it all alone. It hardly seems fair. I try not to whine or complain but dammit it hurts. It hurts so bad I don't even want to be in this house anymore. I don't want to be in this state. I don't want to be in these memories. For some reason I seem to think a geographical cure is going to help but I know that it won't. Would be nice if I was right but I know I am wrong. I would wish for the place I brought you home to, I would long for the rooms where we stayed up night after sleepless night until you would finally go to sleep in the wee hours of the morning. I wouldn't know what to do without all of this. Just a little over 2 years ago all of this was finalized and we never thought it would be anything like this. We have been left brokenhearted and used. Yet I still stand by my decision no matter how much heartache and tears we are asked to bear because of it. I know way down deep in my heart you are happy and you are fine but sometimes those small communications of confirmation would be nice to hear. It has been so long and I am sure it will be much longer that I will have to endure and while I am not sure how much more my heart can take I can only say it will endure what it has to. Why? Because I guess this is part of what life is all about. At least my life.

Today was just a really bad day. Actually it has been this way for the past couple weeks. Sometimes I feel like I am falling and there is just no rope to grab onto no matter how hard I try. Use to be when I would get like this I would get an update out of the blue with a photo or two and somehow they just knew it was what I needed. Now I have days like this and no updates. It's been months. It really is heartbreaking when you think about it. I gave them everything and I can't get something so simple yet worth so much. (Ok that was whining). Just wanted to get these thoughts out before bed. Maybe put it out there and see if anything comes up. I can only wish right? Maybe before the holidays come around. I don't know if I can do all these holidays this year without hearing something. Will this be how it is going to be for years to come? I'm not prepared for this if it is.