Thanksgiving 2014

Today was a great day. Thanksgiving 2014. The first time I have cooked at home in many many years. We spent the entire day at home not doing to much of anything and it was great. We had a late lunch and everything from Turkey, potato's, stuffing, corn, cranberry sauce, gravy, mac and cheese and then some. I made almost all of it from scratch and have to say it was nice to see the reactions of everyone when they would bite into something that they had requested and I had landed it correctly. I am very happy about that. I still have not gotten your photo book or update from your parents but I know that it is coming so I am trying to be positive about the entire thing and look at it as something to look forward to. I have waited so long whats a little bit longer? No pictures from today because the food was devoured before I could even get to my camera. At least it was good for them. I am happy about that. Watched Home alone to start off the Holiday movie season. Some of my favorite movies happen to be holiday movies. I know  Home Alone inside out. We also watched the Thanksgiving episodes of Roseanne today and it was great. It does not seem like a holiday unless we have some roseanne on in the house. I am thankful very thankful......I miss you but I am thankful for everything you have and I am thankful for the opportunity to be called your mom.

I love each and every one of you. I miss you all too.

Learning

I think in all of this the one thing that I am having the hardest time learning it patience. My patience has been tried for months this year and it is wearing thin. Very thin, March 3rd is the last time that I received any photos of you and it is wearing on my patience. I got word over a week ago that the attorney had photos and a update letter and I have yet to get them. We are at the day before Thanksgiving. I am finding it hard to be patient and wait for these to be sent to me when they should have already been in my hands. March 3rd to November 26th is a long wait. How much longer am I going to have to wait to get what I was told I would be getting all along? It is becoming very frustrating and hard to be positive about it all. Holiday's are hard. This is the second Thanksgiving that you have not been with us and while you would think that it might get easier the longer it has been that seems to be as far from the truth as it can be.  I am still trying to figure out where this year went so fast. It was like before I could blink the later part of the years holidays are here and the rest of the year just disappeared.

Today I started volunteering at the local salvation army toy shop. Helping some 4.500 kids this year have a good Christmas. We always adopt an angel from the angel tree every year but this year we decided to adopt more than one and I decided that I would even volunteer to help with receiving and distribution. This is going to be one heck of a project. I am looking forward to it. Maybe knowing that you are taking care of and being able to help other people give their kids a Christmas they might not other have will allow a different mind set about the holidays. I know that this is a step in the right direction for me but at the same time I know it is going to cause a lot of heartache as well. I am going to embrace every bit of this and look at it all in a positive light. This is all the process of teaching me patience. I only hope that I take everything from the lesson it has to offer. One day at a time.

Another Update 11/17/2014

Only 779 days since you left and almost 8 months since a photo or update of any kind and I woke up to an email from your attorney stating that she had an extensive letter and photo book that she needed to get sent out to me. I can only hope that this is the case and things are Finally on their way. I have been so very patient in all of this that I am finding it hard to be any more patient than I already am yet I still refuse to get excited about any of it because I am still holding my breath on what is going to be the context of that letter. It really bothers me that I have to think it is the worst. The track record for previous letters have only been heartbreak to me and I really want to be able to be positive about this one but if it holds true to letters past it will be the bearer of bad news that will yet again rip my heart to shreds. I am hoping for the best but preparing for the worst I guess you could say. Should have everything before the end of the week considering the attorney is just over the bridge. Just wanted to document this day somehow. Short sweet and to the point. Please stand by.

Return to Hollywood Studios 11/15/2014

Finally got back to Hollywood Studio's today and got to ride some of the rides that we road when you were with us. We even got to do something new tonight. Since the holidays are upon us Osborne light show was going on. This is one thing that we never did get the chance to do while you were with us. I am sure that you saw it plenty of times since you left but for us this was a first. As we walked down the street looking at all the buildings and listening to all the music all I could seem to think was damn I wish it would not have taken so long for us to do this. I wish we would have taken the chance to do this with all of our kids. It truly is something magical and I feel like we missed out on seeing how you would react to all the lights and music you are surrounded by. Of course one thought took my mind all over the board and I ended up having to choke back tears several times in a small time frame.

Everything was beautiful in all of this and they simply put on a great show. This year they have interactive hats that either the Mickey ears dance to the tune of the music or your Minnie Mouse bow does. I am sure that everyone can guess which one I was wearing. lol. Of course I purchased the Minnie Mouse ears with lit bow. this is the first pair of ears I have ever bought and they are very special to me not only because they are Minnie Mouse or they light up but because J bought them for me and they remind me of you. Tonight even your daddy did a 360 when he heard someone say your name. There are tons of children in the crowd with your name I am sure. I asked several times today is there ever going to be a time where I don't look for you in every face of little one's in the crowd. I know deep down we will see you when we least expect it and I am sure neither one of us know how we are going to handle that when the time comes. I would want to approach you and your family but I am sure that is not the right thing to do. last thing I want to do is make them feel uncomfortable in a place that we all love so much. It would be so unfair to you and your brother for them to freak out and leave. I have some fairy tail in my mind of how it would go down and in my mind they accept it all as a meeting of chance and with open arms. Now my head knows better than that and maybe in all actuality the piece of me that wants that more than anything is my heart but I am not sure my heart could handle it. Maybe I am just being protected at this point from more heartbreak. Who knows here I sit at 1:37 in the morning on Sunday just rambling away to you like you are right here. Just like I use to do. Again I fight back the tears that have been creeping up on me at the most inopportune times lately. 

I adopted 3 angels this Christmas and we are almost done with their shopping for the program and I have to say I adopt at least one almost every year but since you have been gone I have wanted to do more. So not only did we adopt them we are also volunteering at the toy drive to help get the gifts distributed to the families as they come in. I am not sure how this is going to make me feel. I have mixed emotions about it and i can only hope that it helps with some of the heartache that I deal with over the holidays and hope that it does not make it worse. I already don't want to be here for any of this but this year we are so I guess I better get use to the idea.  Anyway just some of the things that have been going on in my mind and life lately. One day at a time is still the motto and sometimes the motto is one breath at a time. Most days are better than they are worse. 

Reality of it all.

Yesterday my phone started ringing at an usual time for a Monday. After all who would be calling me on a Monday? Your daddy is at work and J is with me all day and she was just in the other room because we had not left the house yet. I tend to ignore voice mails. To say it is crazy it is true but I am no longer a huge talker when it comes to the telephone. I use to talk for hours to people but I find as I get older I would much rather text. I think it is because it is easier for me to hide how I really feel in a text message vs talking to someone over the phone. Anyway back to the subject. I ignored the phone call and let it go to voice mail. I sat down at the computer a little bit later and found out that the person who was trying to call me was someone that was going to be working with me for placement for my externship after I am done with my classes 2/9/2015. She is also the person who is going to be working with me to place me for employment as well. Everyone knows I have dove into school full force since you left. With one degree already obtained in the two short (But feel like forever) years that you have been gone I am about to grasp the second one within months. The first one looks pretty on the resume that is about all I can say about it. But this one, This one I am looking forward to actually putting to work. I have worked hard on this one and I have maintained an A average across the board for this program. So after getting the car to the tire shop, a little shopping with J while we waited for it and lunch I called this woman back .Of course by that time I had to leave a message. She returned my call a short while later while we were still at the tire place and the rest of the conversation unfolded before my ears. She wants to place me in a position where she has the best success rate for employment straight from externship. WOW. Granted I am not thrilled about having to work in a retail environment with this degree I know that I have no other choice if I want to get where I really want to be. 
*Side note. Ever since you left I have not been much of a people person. I am actually more of a homebody and maybe that is one of the reasons things have been so hard for me since you left. Some days it just feels impossible to even lift my head off the pillow let alone face the world . Sad I know Even pathetic maybe but none the less it's the truth. 
Anyway back to the topic at hand. It has been brought to my attention from all of this that I am about to enter back into the working world. A world of people and personalities that I have not had to mingle with in a long time. I sometimes feel like I have lost the ability to adapt to other people's personalities and have found that most of them just piss me off. I have worked with people prior to my 2 year sabbatical for 16+ years. I see how parents treat children in public and I just want to smack them and tell them wake the hell up. Be thankful for that baby. Be thankful he or she is still with you. *Adoption was my decision and still standing on the fact that I am alright with it (that will never change). It still makes me appreciate all the time I had with you and even your siblings that much more. I see the way people treat each other in public and it has the same effect. I just want to smack em. I have no filter these days. It takes a lot for me to walk the other direction and I am told more often than not by your daddy and J that they are proud of me for behaving as they call it. (Sometimes even adults have to behave) I have not worked in the 2  years 1 month and 11 days since you left. I don't even know if I remember how. One foot in front of the other I am sure. It's like riding a bike right? Then my mind wanders to I wonder if you know how to do that yet? Knowing your parents you are a pro at it by now. This is how my brain works these days. Is the working world ready for me? Am I ready for it? 

Ready or not (and believe me I'm not) here I come.