The Challenge some people bring.

It amazes me in this walk that I take daily with E at the way some people try to twist it around and make it all about them or even about my other children. I have spent my entire life trying to protect all of my children from heartache and pain and yet it seems that the same things that I have done to protect them are the things that end up hurting them the most (at least in this person's eyes). Imagine that. There was really not any time for anyone in the family to say goodbye to Jv before she left and I did it that way on purpose. Why in the world would I open my home to people who were no where to be found to say good bye to someone they were never there for to begin with? Things that make you go hummmm. I made my decisions with E for a reason and we stand by them. That has cost us the rest of the ties with the family and in all honesty it is alright with me. What pisses me off the most is when that so called family seems to think that they are entitled to something in what they are not even close to being able to call tangible. We have all made decisions in our lives and sometimes we regret them at some point and sometimes we do not. While I can say there are only two people that I would have wanted Jv to see before she left so they could say goodbye to her and that would have been her sisters. To hell with everyone else. What did they do for Jv? Nothing. They were not there for her when she was a baby, they did not want to be the family to her that they were to my older girls. They outcast her and we were the only thing she had for 19 months. The girls had nothing to do with that. They are and will always be her sisters. There is no reason to post all over social media that you celebrated her birthday with them when it was like pulling teeth to get you here to celebrate her first birthday in the first place. Bet you the rest of the family who is praising you for your efforts and for 'being such a good mother" have no idea when that baby was born yet they really should never be able to forget it considering it was the same day as their mother's, grandmothers. great grandmothers memorial service. Oh and don't think I did not notice that her grandmother was not involved in the celebration. Show's how much she cares yeah? These things do not go unnoticed and when the time comes they will be reunited with her but as for the rest of the family.......They can all go to hell. It will be up to her but believe me she will be told how they treated her when she was a baby and how they were no where to be found. I am not about lying and I am not about to start now. Good luck with explaining that when the time comes. OH you know what? Those are the words that you told me so long ago but I am prepared when the other times come and I will be able to explain with no problem because guess what the truth is always easy to tell.

One of my biggest fears

I have had so many fears in this walk of adoption and most of them have come true at this point. I was afraid that we would be denied contact and we have. I was afraid that they would not allow us to send you gifts and that has been take away as well. I was and still am concerned that they are going to stop sending pictures as often as they do now after September of this year and I already got confirmation that is going to happen as well yet I am still fighting for this. Now one of my biggest fears is that whenever you are allowed to see us, old enough to search for us on your own whatever the case my be that you won't want to. That you will be just like my mothers children and say you want nothing to do with me or your daddy. I often lay awake at night and wonder what it will be like even next year let alone 15 years from now. Where will we be? What will we be doing? Will reunion day ever happen? I often wonder if the only reason that this is happening right now is because D and Y are scared of who knows what. I lay awake at night when my mind starts to wonder from question to question and usually spend the entire night up because my brain will not shut off. looks like tonight is one of those nights. You use to spend night after night up for one reason or the other. I think honestly you did not want to miss anything and you were scared that if you closed your eyes you would. I am not sure. Whatever the case may be I cherish those nights I had with you. No matter how frustrated I got with you because all I really wanted to do was go to sleep. I look back at them now and cherish every single one of them and I also look back on some of them and wish I could have changed the way I felt but I know that is not possible. It is just a wish. You might have been my last baby but you by far taught me the most in such a short amount of time. 

And she cried.........

A couple of weeks ago I believe right after Jv's Birthday I sent off for Medical records for the both of us from when she was born. I was looking for only one thing but I did not care I sent for both records. I have to say I am so glad that I did. Because Jv was a C section baby and I was stuck in bed for the first 24 hours of her life I did not get to be involved in things that I had with the other children. I was looking for her foot prints. It never occurred to me that I did not have her foot prints at all until E came to me and told me he had seen a tattoo that he thought I would be interested in. Someone had their babies foot prints tattooed on the top of their feet. He knows me all so well telling me I know you would do it in a heartbeat no matter how painful it might be. He was right. I went looking and that is when I found out I did not have those foot prints. I never did foot prints with her at home either for some reason. I was so upset. It took me awhile to come up with the idea of getting her records from the hospital but when I did I was doubtful that what I wanted would be in there. I had forgotten that I even sent off for them until I opened the envelopes tonight. E and I both thought it was just medical insurance stuff.   I cried tears of joy today when I turned to page 4 of her records tonight and staring right back at me were my baby girls foot prints. I was so happy. I have not cried tears of joy in a long time and it felt good. I miss her every single day. There is not a day that goes by where she is not in my mind or my dreams. Not a day goes by where I don't say her name at least once. I am so happy to have her foot prints in my possession now. I don't care that it is going to cost me almost $ 40 for just those records. No amount of money in the world will replace the way I felt the moment I saw her foot prints sitting in front of me Finally. Thank you Florida Hospital.......Thank you Jv. It really is the small things.

Little back story.

As many people knew I had Miss Jv February 5, 2011 at 1:06 am via C Section. She was a very complicated pregnancy and I was in and out of the hospital from the very beginning of time with her. I knew from the moment that I found out about her that the best thing for her was going to be adoption. I knew that she did not belong to me. She was sent to this earth for someone else. I feel liked I searched the seven seas for the family that she would call her own. For the family that I hoped would allow us to watch her grow and thrive. Everyone who knows me knows that I am not an overly religious person. Seemed like every single profile that I read looking for that perfect family pushed the religious issue way to much. It was always within the first few words of their letters and their profiles. It drove me crazy. When E and I decided that maybe it would be better to just parent at the time we never knew how much it would change our lives. Yes we have other children and we have been down this road before but nothing could prepare us for Jv. She came into this world 5 weeks early and spent her first 36 hours in the NICU. She was born on the day of her great grandma's memorial service. When I saw her I was instantly in love with her. I never knew that this little girl would teach me so many things considering she was my 5th baby. I spent many sleepless nights with her until the very day she left us. She did not want to miss a thing. When Eric and I decided that we were still ok with looking for a family with her we never thought that it would happen I don't think. I knew that there was no way that I was going to allow this child to touch a day in DCF custody. I refused. I knew there had to be someone out there. Secretly I never stopped looking for the perfect family for her but we did everything we could. She was loved she was cared for with us and really never wanted for much of anything. Could we have done it? Yeah I am sure that we could have but there was always that one thing missing for her. Family. No one in our families really wanted anything to do with her and I will never understand why.Showing up 1x a year and bring a present does not mean that you care in any way shape or form. I even later got excuses that they were scared to get close because they thought somehow I would take her away from them. Then saying how upset they were that they did not do more while she was here. I guess it is easy for people to feel sorry for the situation they put themselves in when things don't go the way they want them to. (This by no was shape or form is a excuse for her adoption. That was decided long before she was born it just took more time than a normal child. It was in our time No one else's) When the family that Jv is with now was presented to me I was hesitant for a short second until I read their history and their letter to us as well as their recommendation from the agency. They were great. They had every single thing I wanted for her and more. Speaking with them on the phone sealed what I knew in my heart was the right thing. We had agreed on an open adoption from the beginning. Everything was set. Fast forward to February 17, 2014 and all I can say is I am heartbroken. The annual visitation I was told that would not be a problem and was even filed with the court (at the adoptive family discretion of course) was denied for 2013. So the anniversary of her adoption came and went and I did not get word of this denial until November 2013. I was heartbroken. Not only did I get this notification but also notification that the family was moving across the United States and would no longer be in Fl full time. Talk about crushing news. BUT nothing prepared me for the letter I would get only a few days before her 3rd birthday. This time it was not an email It was a letter that was typed out single spaced 3 pages long. with 1 photo (Family Christmas Card with a last name) The contents of that letter broke my heart all over again. (how many times can the same people break your heart before you snap). I cried after the first two sentences that were written in that letter and still I can't believe what it said. Since I was denied the annual visitation I asked that they would at least consider continuing the photos 4 times a year with updates. They refused. They said that they would stick to the agreement that was filed with the courts and that was it. How hard is it really to just sit down and forward a few photos and a update about how she is doing and what she has been up to the last few months? I would do that for anyone if I knew it was going to help in the healing or moving on process of the birth family. It is not like I am asking for the entire family to have the ability to see her all the time or at all. They were never around when she was here. I don't think that it would really put them out any at all to be honest to sit down and send a few photos and a update every 3 months. In the agreement it states that the agreement can be modified with simple accommodations. I think that what I am asking is a very simple accommodation and not asking much at all. Needless to say I am waiting to speak with the attorney. Another thing in that letter is they told me they would not allow me to send her gifts anymore. They did not feel comfortable with it as it was not part of the paperwork filed with the courts. Now keep in mind I sent countless numbers of boxes to her in the first year of all of this but as soon as we get to the beginning of year two this is no longer alright? So now I get to accumulate things for her for when she finally is able to see them. To say I have been crushed is an understatement. No money in the world could repair my heart or my soul in all of this. I have not asked for much and unfortunately to other people it appears I am asking them to move heaven and earth. I am not mad at them. I entrusted them to make decisions for Jv and that is what they feel that they are doing. Making decisions in her best interest. In the mean time while they are doing what they think is right and I did what I thought was right E and I are the ones who get to suffer in all of this. He has been so great so strong and such a rock but I know that all of this pains him. He loved/ loves her just as much as I did as I do. I know that not a day goes by that he does not think of her either. We have both admitted to each other that sometimes we think we made a mistake. But we look at the photos that we have gotten over the past 16 months and we know that she is happy and healthy and taken care of. She is smart, sensitive, and dramatic. Imagine that. They are looking out for her and I understand that. I thought that is what I was doing as well. My love for her will never change no matter how far the distance. No matter what D and Y's decisions are I don't think that I could ever be mad at them for it. Hurt yes but never angry. They are only doing what I have asked them to do from the very beginning. Sometimes I think the hesitation that E took on that day was a chance to say no we can't do this but we have never really second guessed our decision until recently. Yet every time we do we look at the situations and even the hurt that we are feeling and we know that she is in a much better place. It might have taken us 19 months to find her family that she has now but we will always be her forever family. The day will come when she will start looking for us and I am hoping that we have made ourselves easy to find for her. I never want her to have to search as hard as I did for my father. I can only hope as the time goes on that maybe the circumstances will change and they will come to understand that we are only here to love her like we have from the very beginning. We are not here to be her parents we have given that title to them. We simply want to be involved. I long for the day I can hug her or give her a kiss on the forehead. I just pray that when that chance comes that it is not to late as it was in my case with my father. I never want her to have that feeling and be left to hold that bag of questions like I was. Only in a perfect world.   

Happy Valentine's Day Jv.

Happy Valentine's Day Jv. I bought you a big beautiful card this year only to find out that I am not allowed to send it to you right now. I will place it with your Birthday card from last week and wait for the day where you are able to see them. I also made you a flip photo book of your sisters, dad and myself from 2o13 but I can't send that either. So it will go into the box as well. I started this blog today as a suggestion from your daddy and I think that it was perfect. I have other blog sites but this one will be just for you. One day you will be able to sit down and read every single thing the good, the bad, and even the ugly of it all. I am not perfect and never claimed to be. I only wanted what is best for you and I gave it all unselfish-lee. While in the mean time it hurts me to know that I have no idea when I will be able to see you face to face. When you will be able to get the gifts that I have chosen for you. You can never put a price tag on the love that I have for you or the memories that are in my head and heart but I continue to find things that remind me of you almost daily. Some I pass by others I purchase and tuck away in the hopes that one day everything will be as I was told it would be. Maybe I misunderstood? Maybe I was not as smart about it as I thought I was. Whatever the case may be I at least know that you are cared for and loved no matter what. Some days that is enough and some days it does not even begin to heal the pain but it is at least some sort of assurance that I did the right thing. That we did the right thing. So just as the title says Happy Valentine's day Jv. you have officially spent more Birthday's and more Valentine's day with D (Dad) Y (mom) and your big brother D.  This year you will meet another goal in this walk where you will have been with them longer than you were with your daddy and I. I am not looking forward to that day at all because it will mean that there will be more days where I have not seen your face than days where I did.  We love you Jv.  From the bottom of our hearts we love you. 
EDITED.......I originally stated that you have officially spent more Birthday's and Valentine's days with D Y and D than you had with us but that is not true yet. I still have another year until that is the case for those days. Why? Because I have the day you were born and 9 days after that (Your First Valentine's day). I am grateful to be able to retract my statement earlier and say I have another year until that milestone. By then maybe I will be another year stronger. No more surprises please.