Little back story.

As many people knew I had Miss Jv February 5, 2011 at 1:06 am via C Section. She was a very complicated pregnancy and I was in and out of the hospital from the very beginning of time with her. I knew from the moment that I found out about her that the best thing for her was going to be adoption. I knew that she did not belong to me. She was sent to this earth for someone else. I feel liked I searched the seven seas for the family that she would call her own. For the family that I hoped would allow us to watch her grow and thrive. Everyone who knows me knows that I am not an overly religious person. Seemed like every single profile that I read looking for that perfect family pushed the religious issue way to much. It was always within the first few words of their letters and their profiles. It drove me crazy. When E and I decided that maybe it would be better to just parent at the time we never knew how much it would change our lives. Yes we have other children and we have been down this road before but nothing could prepare us for Jv. She came into this world 5 weeks early and spent her first 36 hours in the NICU. She was born on the day of her great grandma's memorial service. When I saw her I was instantly in love with her. I never knew that this little girl would teach me so many things considering she was my 5th baby. I spent many sleepless nights with her until the very day she left us. She did not want to miss a thing. When Eric and I decided that we were still ok with looking for a family with her we never thought that it would happen I don't think. I knew that there was no way that I was going to allow this child to touch a day in DCF custody. I refused. I knew there had to be someone out there. Secretly I never stopped looking for the perfect family for her but we did everything we could. She was loved she was cared for with us and really never wanted for much of anything. Could we have done it? Yeah I am sure that we could have but there was always that one thing missing for her. Family. No one in our families really wanted anything to do with her and I will never understand why.Showing up 1x a year and bring a present does not mean that you care in any way shape or form. I even later got excuses that they were scared to get close because they thought somehow I would take her away from them. Then saying how upset they were that they did not do more while she was here. I guess it is easy for people to feel sorry for the situation they put themselves in when things don't go the way they want them to. (This by no was shape or form is a excuse for her adoption. That was decided long before she was born it just took more time than a normal child. It was in our time No one else's) When the family that Jv is with now was presented to me I was hesitant for a short second until I read their history and their letter to us as well as their recommendation from the agency. They were great. They had every single thing I wanted for her and more. Speaking with them on the phone sealed what I knew in my heart was the right thing. We had agreed on an open adoption from the beginning. Everything was set. Fast forward to February 17, 2014 and all I can say is I am heartbroken. The annual visitation I was told that would not be a problem and was even filed with the court (at the adoptive family discretion of course) was denied for 2013. So the anniversary of her adoption came and went and I did not get word of this denial until November 2013. I was heartbroken. Not only did I get this notification but also notification that the family was moving across the United States and would no longer be in Fl full time. Talk about crushing news. BUT nothing prepared me for the letter I would get only a few days before her 3rd birthday. This time it was not an email It was a letter that was typed out single spaced 3 pages long. with 1 photo (Family Christmas Card with a last name) The contents of that letter broke my heart all over again. (how many times can the same people break your heart before you snap). I cried after the first two sentences that were written in that letter and still I can't believe what it said. Since I was denied the annual visitation I asked that they would at least consider continuing the photos 4 times a year with updates. They refused. They said that they would stick to the agreement that was filed with the courts and that was it. How hard is it really to just sit down and forward a few photos and a update about how she is doing and what she has been up to the last few months? I would do that for anyone if I knew it was going to help in the healing or moving on process of the birth family. It is not like I am asking for the entire family to have the ability to see her all the time or at all. They were never around when she was here. I don't think that it would really put them out any at all to be honest to sit down and send a few photos and a update every 3 months. In the agreement it states that the agreement can be modified with simple accommodations. I think that what I am asking is a very simple accommodation and not asking much at all. Needless to say I am waiting to speak with the attorney. Another thing in that letter is they told me they would not allow me to send her gifts anymore. They did not feel comfortable with it as it was not part of the paperwork filed with the courts. Now keep in mind I sent countless numbers of boxes to her in the first year of all of this but as soon as we get to the beginning of year two this is no longer alright? So now I get to accumulate things for her for when she finally is able to see them. To say I have been crushed is an understatement. No money in the world could repair my heart or my soul in all of this. I have not asked for much and unfortunately to other people it appears I am asking them to move heaven and earth. I am not mad at them. I entrusted them to make decisions for Jv and that is what they feel that they are doing. Making decisions in her best interest. In the mean time while they are doing what they think is right and I did what I thought was right E and I are the ones who get to suffer in all of this. He has been so great so strong and such a rock but I know that all of this pains him. He loved/ loves her just as much as I did as I do. I know that not a day goes by that he does not think of her either. We have both admitted to each other that sometimes we think we made a mistake. But we look at the photos that we have gotten over the past 16 months and we know that she is happy and healthy and taken care of. She is smart, sensitive, and dramatic. Imagine that. They are looking out for her and I understand that. I thought that is what I was doing as well. My love for her will never change no matter how far the distance. No matter what D and Y's decisions are I don't think that I could ever be mad at them for it. Hurt yes but never angry. They are only doing what I have asked them to do from the very beginning. Sometimes I think the hesitation that E took on that day was a chance to say no we can't do this but we have never really second guessed our decision until recently. Yet every time we do we look at the situations and even the hurt that we are feeling and we know that she is in a much better place. It might have taken us 19 months to find her family that she has now but we will always be her forever family. The day will come when she will start looking for us and I am hoping that we have made ourselves easy to find for her. I never want her to have to search as hard as I did for my father. I can only hope as the time goes on that maybe the circumstances will change and they will come to understand that we are only here to love her like we have from the very beginning. We are not here to be her parents we have given that title to them. We simply want to be involved. I long for the day I can hug her or give her a kiss on the forehead. I just pray that when that chance comes that it is not to late as it was in my case with my father. I never want her to have that feeling and be left to hold that bag of questions like I was. Only in a perfect world.