One of my biggest fears

I have had so many fears in this walk of adoption and most of them have come true at this point. I was afraid that we would be denied contact and we have. I was afraid that they would not allow us to send you gifts and that has been take away as well. I was and still am concerned that they are going to stop sending pictures as often as they do now after September of this year and I already got confirmation that is going to happen as well yet I am still fighting for this. Now one of my biggest fears is that whenever you are allowed to see us, old enough to search for us on your own whatever the case my be that you won't want to. That you will be just like my mothers children and say you want nothing to do with me or your daddy. I often lay awake at night and wonder what it will be like even next year let alone 15 years from now. Where will we be? What will we be doing? Will reunion day ever happen? I often wonder if the only reason that this is happening right now is because D and Y are scared of who knows what. I lay awake at night when my mind starts to wonder from question to question and usually spend the entire night up because my brain will not shut off. looks like tonight is one of those nights. You use to spend night after night up for one reason or the other. I think honestly you did not want to miss anything and you were scared that if you closed your eyes you would. I am not sure. Whatever the case may be I cherish those nights I had with you. No matter how frustrated I got with you because all I really wanted to do was go to sleep. I look back at them now and cherish every single one of them and I also look back on some of them and wish I could have changed the way I felt but I know that is not possible. It is just a wish. You might have been my last baby but you by far taught me the most in such a short amount of time.