Merry Christmas Baby Girl

Merry Christmas Baby girl. I can't believe that you are celebrating your 3rd Christmas since you left us. According to Santa tracker the man in the big red suite has already made it to where you are. I hope that you get everything your little heart desires. I know that it will. This year it looks like you are still here with all the presents that are under the tree. I swear there no children here. Guess us Adults went a little nuts. I miss you and I miss watching you open your gifts on Christmas morning but your First Christmas is one i will never forget. I stop and appreciate things more now that you are gone and wish like hell I would have appreciated every single second I had with you the way I cherish all the memories now. You taught me so much baby girl. SO much I wish I would have learned before you but I am thankful to know now because of you. Merry Christmas Jv. You will always be loved and missed here. Enjoy your Christmas and your first time on the slopes. 

Blind sided....It Happens.

Yesterday I started writing a blog that I think is just going to sit unfinished. I try so hard to come here to write in a positive light. Normally it turns to me longing to be near you or see photo's of you but that is alright I know it is all part of the process. Spending the last 3 weeks working with Santa L at the Toy shop in order for all of these children to have Christmas has been rewarding, challenging, one heck of an experience all at the same time. Providing for 4,500 hundred children in the course of the 3 weeks has been interesting to say the least. I missed distribution day by choice due to some things that were said and the way I was treated by some people who honestly forgot what they are in the core for. But that is neither here nor there. Today I returned to the toy shop to help Santa L and the other devoted elves break things down and give out a couple bags from people who missed distribution day for one reason or the other. I was received with a warm welcome and many we missed you yesterday comments. It was nice to feel needed/ wanted. Walking into the door and seeing all the bikes that were left from distribution day made my heart sink. What happened? Where did things go wrong and what was going to happen now? I honestly felt sick. I was so disappointed that so many bikes were left. Come to find out there was a miss-communication between a couple channels the day of distribution and even a missed list it seems while we were taking things in. It took me awhile to walk back to where the bags were sitting to see what was left there but when I did my heart sank a little further. Why didn't parents come pick up the things that they asked for their children to have? I did not understand this at all. I looked over the numbers and honestly thought that all the angles that we had adopted to help had been picked up I would later found out I was wrong. When I came across that bag I was devastated. We adopted 7 angels this year around your age range or a little younger and they got everything they asked for and then some. I shopped specifically for that child and she was not going to get her gifts now. I was heartbroken. I did all of this in order to give back. In hopes of regaining some sort of Christmas spirit and I have to say up until this point it worked. At that very moment I feel like my entire faith in humanity had been taken away again. There was a part of the organization there today picking up some of the left over gifts and they were going to be given to children who would really benefit from them. Children who genuinely needed them. I could not believe that i broke down the way I did over this particular event but it brought me to my knees. These people were picking over what was left looking for gifts for the 60 some children that they service on their end of town who really need the help. The lady who was with the group told me to pick one or two angels that were in the age range of the angle that I bought for and had not gotten picked up and that those gifts would be specifically for them. I did not pick one of the 5 that she asked me to pick. I just told her to split it up between a couple of them if that is what she wanted to do. It is not that my gifts are going unused that is not it at all. They are going to be used and I am sure that they are going to be even more appreciated than they would have been if they had actually gone to the girl I originally bought for. I posted on Facebook today about how upset I was over the whole thing and that I am normally a big bad ass when it comes to my emotions but for some reason this one just broke me down. Everyone has their one thing that gets to them I guess and for me this was it. (That and missing you of course). One person reminded me in a unique way of something that I think I needed to be reminded of. Thanks C.D. She typed the following "Oh my friend, please know that your intentions must have been needed for more then just one child, and like glitter falling in a million directions, your intent to spread Christmas to an angel, multiplied. Trust that all that love is getting where it needs to go. Sorry it hurt, but I suspect its part of your healing. Much love to you.."
I have to agree with what she said. I also have to say she is right in saying that I needed the hurt in order to heal. I go day in and day out of this life dealing with every emotion under the sun. Some see it some don't and even those who see it don't see everything. It is all part of the process. There is no rule book on this journey and it seems that something is changing it at every twist and turn. I really do bust my tail to hide my emotions otherwise I think I would be crying more than laughing some days. I took on this experience this season in order to feel and that is exactly what happened. Might not have been the exact feeling I was looking for but it was better than being numb and non responsive to the holiday all together. I learned the in's and out's of the Angel Tree and the even not so nice parts to it all but that is alright. I will go in next year with more information that I did this year and hopefully I will be able to help just as many if not more children next year. Until next time Toy shop is officially done. I look forward to next year with several changes of course. :) Until next time. I hope that you are having the time of your life in Georgia. Daddy D said that is where you were going to be for part of Christmas at least. Then off to Colorado to go Skiing. I look forward to seeing those photos. You on Ski's should be a cute site for sure. I am sure you will rock the slopes. We miss you just as much today as yesterday and I am sure it will be more tomorrow. Merry Christmas Miss Jv. 

Another little girl.

Went today to visit a friend who just recently had a little girl. K is a beautiful little girl. Born 8 days ago. It has been a long time since I got to hold a newborn little girl in my arms and ooooh and ahhhh over her. I held a friends baby girl shortly after you left but it has been over two years since I did that too. So this was a bit special for me. Getting to spend my afternoon in baby girl heaven. It made me think of you and all the time I got to spend with you when you were so little. Baby big feet (because I do not want to use her real name and this is her nickname.) was so content with whatever was going on around her. She did not care. She slept in my lap in my arms where ever she felt she wanted to. I am very appreciative that her mommy was willing to share her with us today. It is not often that we get to spend time with little ones and every time we do I relish it because I know I will never have another little one in the house of my own. When you came along we did not think we would have a little one in the house either but we were wrong. you took our world by storm from the moment we knew about you. Little did we know at exactly how attached we would become and how much we would miss you when you were gone. The one thing that will never change is our love for you.

The day after thanksgiving this year we got a photo album from mommy Y and daddy D showing your progress over the past year. Wow how you have grown. You look like you rule the nest and love every minute of it. I know that your mom and dad's world revolves around you and your brother. They live for the two of you and I love that. I love that you are learning so many things at this age. Martial arts, Piano, Dance and the list goes on. I love how you are so smart and just chatter away. I also love how your mom and dad don't discourage it. It gives you the ability to let your mind grown and learn. There are so many things I am happy to see in the update that I received when I got your photo album as well. I could not be happier for you and your family. I feel a bit more complete now with those photo's in my possession. I might not have photo's every single day like I use to when you were here but it is nice to have photos when the days are dark and the mood is heavy. I can always look at them and know that you are happy healthy and most of all provided for. There is nothing more in life that I ask for than that. Your happiness means the world to me and it is more than evident in the photos that I have seen that you are on top of the world. Their sun rises and sets because of you and your boy.

As for the holidays this year I seem to be managing a little better than the years past. Every now and then I get overwhelmed about it all but I just remember it will soon pass and move on. I have spent quiet a bit of time working with the Salvation Army and doing their toy shop for kids who would otherwise not have a Christmas and I have to say it has been a very rewarding experience so far. I look forward to it when I go and I feel bad when I miss a day or two because of school or other commitments. I will be sad when it is over but happy at the same time because that means that we did our job and helped out the 4,500 children who otherwise would not have had a Christmas in the area. Enjoy the Mountains and the snow this year Jv. I can't wait to get pics of you skiing down the side of a mountain in Colorado. Until next time.

Thanksgiving 2014

Today was a great day. Thanksgiving 2014. The first time I have cooked at home in many many years. We spent the entire day at home not doing to much of anything and it was great. We had a late lunch and everything from Turkey, potato's, stuffing, corn, cranberry sauce, gravy, mac and cheese and then some. I made almost all of it from scratch and have to say it was nice to see the reactions of everyone when they would bite into something that they had requested and I had landed it correctly. I am very happy about that. I still have not gotten your photo book or update from your parents but I know that it is coming so I am trying to be positive about the entire thing and look at it as something to look forward to. I have waited so long whats a little bit longer? No pictures from today because the food was devoured before I could even get to my camera. At least it was good for them. I am happy about that. Watched Home alone to start off the Holiday movie season. Some of my favorite movies happen to be holiday movies. I know  Home Alone inside out. We also watched the Thanksgiving episodes of Roseanne today and it was great. It does not seem like a holiday unless we have some roseanne on in the house. I am thankful very thankful......I miss you but I am thankful for everything you have and I am thankful for the opportunity to be called your mom.

I love each and every one of you. I miss you all too.

Learning

I think in all of this the one thing that I am having the hardest time learning it patience. My patience has been tried for months this year and it is wearing thin. Very thin, March 3rd is the last time that I received any photos of you and it is wearing on my patience. I got word over a week ago that the attorney had photos and a update letter and I have yet to get them. We are at the day before Thanksgiving. I am finding it hard to be patient and wait for these to be sent to me when they should have already been in my hands. March 3rd to November 26th is a long wait. How much longer am I going to have to wait to get what I was told I would be getting all along? It is becoming very frustrating and hard to be positive about it all. Holiday's are hard. This is the second Thanksgiving that you have not been with us and while you would think that it might get easier the longer it has been that seems to be as far from the truth as it can be.  I am still trying to figure out where this year went so fast. It was like before I could blink the later part of the years holidays are here and the rest of the year just disappeared.

Today I started volunteering at the local salvation army toy shop. Helping some 4.500 kids this year have a good Christmas. We always adopt an angel from the angel tree every year but this year we decided to adopt more than one and I decided that I would even volunteer to help with receiving and distribution. This is going to be one heck of a project. I am looking forward to it. Maybe knowing that you are taking care of and being able to help other people give their kids a Christmas they might not other have will allow a different mind set about the holidays. I know that this is a step in the right direction for me but at the same time I know it is going to cause a lot of heartache as well. I am going to embrace every bit of this and look at it all in a positive light. This is all the process of teaching me patience. I only hope that I take everything from the lesson it has to offer. One day at a time.

Another Update 11/17/2014

Only 779 days since you left and almost 8 months since a photo or update of any kind and I woke up to an email from your attorney stating that she had an extensive letter and photo book that she needed to get sent out to me. I can only hope that this is the case and things are Finally on their way. I have been so very patient in all of this that I am finding it hard to be any more patient than I already am yet I still refuse to get excited about any of it because I am still holding my breath on what is going to be the context of that letter. It really bothers me that I have to think it is the worst. The track record for previous letters have only been heartbreak to me and I really want to be able to be positive about this one but if it holds true to letters past it will be the bearer of bad news that will yet again rip my heart to shreds. I am hoping for the best but preparing for the worst I guess you could say. Should have everything before the end of the week considering the attorney is just over the bridge. Just wanted to document this day somehow. Short sweet and to the point. Please stand by.

Return to Hollywood Studios 11/15/2014

Finally got back to Hollywood Studio's today and got to ride some of the rides that we road when you were with us. We even got to do something new tonight. Since the holidays are upon us Osborne light show was going on. This is one thing that we never did get the chance to do while you were with us. I am sure that you saw it plenty of times since you left but for us this was a first. As we walked down the street looking at all the buildings and listening to all the music all I could seem to think was damn I wish it would not have taken so long for us to do this. I wish we would have taken the chance to do this with all of our kids. It truly is something magical and I feel like we missed out on seeing how you would react to all the lights and music you are surrounded by. Of course one thought took my mind all over the board and I ended up having to choke back tears several times in a small time frame.

Everything was beautiful in all of this and they simply put on a great show. This year they have interactive hats that either the Mickey ears dance to the tune of the music or your Minnie Mouse bow does. I am sure that everyone can guess which one I was wearing. lol. Of course I purchased the Minnie Mouse ears with lit bow. this is the first pair of ears I have ever bought and they are very special to me not only because they are Minnie Mouse or they light up but because J bought them for me and they remind me of you. Tonight even your daddy did a 360 when he heard someone say your name. There are tons of children in the crowd with your name I am sure. I asked several times today is there ever going to be a time where I don't look for you in every face of little one's in the crowd. I know deep down we will see you when we least expect it and I am sure neither one of us know how we are going to handle that when the time comes. I would want to approach you and your family but I am sure that is not the right thing to do. last thing I want to do is make them feel uncomfortable in a place that we all love so much. It would be so unfair to you and your brother for them to freak out and leave. I have some fairy tail in my mind of how it would go down and in my mind they accept it all as a meeting of chance and with open arms. Now my head knows better than that and maybe in all actuality the piece of me that wants that more than anything is my heart but I am not sure my heart could handle it. Maybe I am just being protected at this point from more heartbreak. Who knows here I sit at 1:37 in the morning on Sunday just rambling away to you like you are right here. Just like I use to do. Again I fight back the tears that have been creeping up on me at the most inopportune times lately. 

I adopted 3 angels this Christmas and we are almost done with their shopping for the program and I have to say I adopt at least one almost every year but since you have been gone I have wanted to do more. So not only did we adopt them we are also volunteering at the toy drive to help get the gifts distributed to the families as they come in. I am not sure how this is going to make me feel. I have mixed emotions about it and i can only hope that it helps with some of the heartache that I deal with over the holidays and hope that it does not make it worse. I already don't want to be here for any of this but this year we are so I guess I better get use to the idea.  Anyway just some of the things that have been going on in my mind and life lately. One day at a time is still the motto and sometimes the motto is one breath at a time. Most days are better than they are worse. 

Reality of it all.

Yesterday my phone started ringing at an usual time for a Monday. After all who would be calling me on a Monday? Your daddy is at work and J is with me all day and she was just in the other room because we had not left the house yet. I tend to ignore voice mails. To say it is crazy it is true but I am no longer a huge talker when it comes to the telephone. I use to talk for hours to people but I find as I get older I would much rather text. I think it is because it is easier for me to hide how I really feel in a text message vs talking to someone over the phone. Anyway back to the subject. I ignored the phone call and let it go to voice mail. I sat down at the computer a little bit later and found out that the person who was trying to call me was someone that was going to be working with me for placement for my externship after I am done with my classes 2/9/2015. She is also the person who is going to be working with me to place me for employment as well. Everyone knows I have dove into school full force since you left. With one degree already obtained in the two short (But feel like forever) years that you have been gone I am about to grasp the second one within months. The first one looks pretty on the resume that is about all I can say about it. But this one, This one I am looking forward to actually putting to work. I have worked hard on this one and I have maintained an A average across the board for this program. So after getting the car to the tire shop, a little shopping with J while we waited for it and lunch I called this woman back .Of course by that time I had to leave a message. She returned my call a short while later while we were still at the tire place and the rest of the conversation unfolded before my ears. She wants to place me in a position where she has the best success rate for employment straight from externship. WOW. Granted I am not thrilled about having to work in a retail environment with this degree I know that I have no other choice if I want to get where I really want to be. 
*Side note. Ever since you left I have not been much of a people person. I am actually more of a homebody and maybe that is one of the reasons things have been so hard for me since you left. Some days it just feels impossible to even lift my head off the pillow let alone face the world . Sad I know Even pathetic maybe but none the less it's the truth. 
Anyway back to the topic at hand. It has been brought to my attention from all of this that I am about to enter back into the working world. A world of people and personalities that I have not had to mingle with in a long time. I sometimes feel like I have lost the ability to adapt to other people's personalities and have found that most of them just piss me off. I have worked with people prior to my 2 year sabbatical for 16+ years. I see how parents treat children in public and I just want to smack them and tell them wake the hell up. Be thankful for that baby. Be thankful he or she is still with you. *Adoption was my decision and still standing on the fact that I am alright with it (that will never change). It still makes me appreciate all the time I had with you and even your siblings that much more. I see the way people treat each other in public and it has the same effect. I just want to smack em. I have no filter these days. It takes a lot for me to walk the other direction and I am told more often than not by your daddy and J that they are proud of me for behaving as they call it. (Sometimes even adults have to behave) I have not worked in the 2  years 1 month and 11 days since you left. I don't even know if I remember how. One foot in front of the other I am sure. It's like riding a bike right? Then my mind wanders to I wonder if you know how to do that yet? Knowing your parents you are a pro at it by now. This is how my brain works these days. Is the working world ready for me? Am I ready for it? 

Ready or not (and believe me I'm not) here I come. 

A glimmer of hope and one step at a time.

For the first time in over 2 years E and I went to Disney World. It was the first time we walked into the park since you have been gone. I wanted to document this moment. It was a HUGE step for me and I was thankful that your dad and my Jen were there to experience it with me. The first few steps were hard. There were children all around.  A 1,001 and one ways of parenting all in one park at one time was a lot to take in. Seeing little ones your age was hard to see but also it helped me. I could no go into the laugh floor and even the Buzz light year ride was hard without you but I did it. It was the first ride we rode. We got to experience the New Seven Dwarfs run away Mine Train as well and it was a great ride but it will be awhile before I do that one again. We even rode Haunted Mansion. does not seem like we did that much but it was a big day for us. We were happy with what we accomplished and I did it without crying even tho I am sitting here now crying. Walking into the Bear Jamboree area i almost lost it because I have photos that your D and Y sent me and I knew that at least one point after you left us you were standing in that very area on your own Disney experience. I felt close to you for that moment. I was constantly looking in the crowd because you never know  who you are going to see. Maybe one day While i am looking around I will see your beautiful face in the crowd. Until then I will return time after time and maybe one day I will be able to go on the Laugh floor.

On the way home I got this exact message from the Adoption Attorney.......Hello. I received an email from D saying that they write you an update and that they were getting photos developed for you and that they were sending them to my office.

I responded to her thankful for her efforts in getting photos from your D and Y. and that I look forward to seeing them when she gets them.

I hate that I had to take such a drastic measure to get photos that were already promised to me. I guess your D took me a little more seriously and decided it was in his best interest.

So all in all not a bad Monday. I am not holding my breath on photos and I am waiting with bated breath to see what type of update they wrote. I can only hope that it is not more heart crushing news. Seems like every time I get an update it is something negative and not positive. Here's to fingers crossed.

Jumbled Brain and Endless Rambling

A little over a week ago I completely lost every bit of emotional composure I had in me these past two years. I uttered the words I never thought I would hear myself say. "I want my baby back" It came from a place of complete selfishness and hurt. Your dad and I still to this very day even a week later know we did exactly what was best for you. That does not mean that it has not come with some very big emotional blows in the past two years that have left some very deep scars. Being denied the annual visitation that we were once promised was huge. You moving across the country was huge and this year not getting the promised photos has been awful. I think that just a combination of all of it has finally eaten at me enough that I just could not hold it together anymore. I have done things to keep myself busy but when the house goes silent at night and the time goes idle there is the whispers in the night that bring my mind flooding back to the way things were when you were here. I find myself still breaking down when everyone is gone even a week later. People don't understand and I don't expect them to but I wish there was just one person who got it. One person who didn't judge or tell me that I brought this on myself. I know I have but that does not make it any easier to deal with and this is not exactly the hand I had laid out to me in the beginning of all of this.

I received the final photo book that I have the ability to make you at this time. I am hoping that by some miracle I will receive a ton of photos of you and be able to make another photo book of the last year or so you have had with your mom Y and dad D. If wishes were fishes then no one would go hungry. They stripped me of everything else why not this too. I am emotionally broken and I can't find the pieces to get past any of this. I really just want to curl up in myself and forget the world but I know I can't so I have held it in for so long now it is like it is eating me alive. I just have to remember one breath at a time. Right?

Hoping that the weekend away will help some.

I haven't forgotten

The distance between the posts that I have made recently has been a bit over a month. But I have not forgotten. It really has been anything but forgetting lately. As the days tick by it seems that I am reminded every minute that the deadline has passed and still nothing. It was not that long ago that the hands of time switched and we were left holding the shorter end of the stick. We were left wondering how things were going to be and hoping that they would not turn out this way. Seems that the more times that passes the less surprised I am at the lack of communication. Is it really to much to ask for? Apparently in there eyes yes. In mine it would mean the world. A gesture so small would mean so much. How? It just breaks my heart to think that I have go deal with this for the rest of my life. I did not sign up for this pain. I did not sign up for this heartache and unhappiness. This was not part of the deal. Was it? Just when I think I am on the up and up something comes along and brings me sliding right back down the hill. No one understands. I don't expect them to. All of this is unique and while I search for answers and someone with some sort of understanding I am left holding it all alone. It hardly seems fair. I try not to whine or complain but dammit it hurts. It hurts so bad I don't even want to be in this house anymore. I don't want to be in this state. I don't want to be in these memories. For some reason I seem to think a geographical cure is going to help but I know that it won't. Would be nice if I was right but I know I am wrong. I would wish for the place I brought you home to, I would long for the rooms where we stayed up night after sleepless night until you would finally go to sleep in the wee hours of the morning. I wouldn't know what to do without all of this. Just a little over 2 years ago all of this was finalized and we never thought it would be anything like this. We have been left brokenhearted and used. Yet I still stand by my decision no matter how much heartache and tears we are asked to bear because of it. I know way down deep in my heart you are happy and you are fine but sometimes those small communications of confirmation would be nice to hear. It has been so long and I am sure it will be much longer that I will have to endure and while I am not sure how much more my heart can take I can only say it will endure what it has to. Why? Because I guess this is part of what life is all about. At least my life.

Today was just a really bad day. Actually it has been this way for the past couple weeks. Sometimes I feel like I am falling and there is just no rope to grab onto no matter how hard I try. Use to be when I would get like this I would get an update out of the blue with a photo or two and somehow they just knew it was what I needed. Now I have days like this and no updates. It's been months. It really is heartbreaking when you think about it. I gave them everything and I can't get something so simple yet worth so much. (Ok that was whining). Just wanted to get these thoughts out before bed. Maybe put it out there and see if anything comes up. I can only wish right? Maybe before the holidays come around. I don't know if I can do all these holidays this year without hearing something. Will this be how it is going to be for years to come? I'm not prepared for this if it is.

Benefit of the doubt.

Emailed K tonight to see if they had heard from D and Y and perhaps by a long shot had gotten any photos or updates. My email was simple as follows

Thought I would check in to see if you ever heard from D. I hope his parents are ok. They are in my thoughts. 

This is the response that I got.

Sorry but no.  I will call him again tomorrow 

My next simple response.

I didn't think so Thanks.

I really hate feeling like this. We have 21 days till we hit the two year mark in all of this and then everything becomes uncertain more so than it already has and it is scary. I am not sure if I would have known about all of this that I would have still been ok with our decision. It takes a strong person to walk this walk and I am not so sure I am that person sometimes. I feel weak I want to scream, cry and take it all back but I know I can't. So I have to somehow learn how to live with all of this. I don't want to. I don't want to have to be the person who has to settle for less. Why am I always the one sacrificing? It seem's so unfair sometimes. I only hope that in the very end of all of this that it is all worth it for you in the decisions they are making. I don't want you to grow up and hate them or me. I want them to allow us to be a part of your childhood no matter how small. SOMETHING at this point is better than nothing. I guess I can understand that they are scared but we are too. Have been since day one. Guess that will never change.

I don't hate them at all. I give them every single benefit of the doubt in the world but for who's benefit is it for really?

29 Days August 31st 2014

29 days to the day until the 2 year mark since you have been gone and look at what your daddy E found in the side of the couch today. 

I have known since the day you left that it was there and managed to keep it in that spot except for a couple times when someone would find it. Well today that someone was Daddy E. He had no idea it was there and I don't think had any idea that I would react the way I did to him taking it out of it's spot. I think he thought I was a crazy woman when I started telling him to put it back put it back put it back. That Doughnut has been in a little pocket part of the side of couch for a long time. I have left it there because I feel like that is where it belongs. So many things in this house have changed since you left and that is one of the only things that is still left right where you left it. I guess that couch will not be going anywhere anytime soon. Funny thing we looked at another couch about 2-3 months ago. I would have been devastated if this couch would have left with your doughnut in it. 

Hard to believe that there are only 29 days left until the two year mark of this journey. I am daily trying to find new ways to deal with it all. I feel like I am doing the best I can with the situation I have put myself in. 2 Years Jv. WOW. How much you have grown I am sure in 2 years. Just of the few things that I have seen you have grown leaps and bounds and I am so happy and proud of you. I have heard that one of your grandparents is not doing well and that is one of the reasons besides summer travel that I have not received photos. I really try not to be selfish about it but at the same time all I am asking for are a few pictures to know that you are happy. I just keep trying to stay positive about it all. Some days are harder than others but I think that is just life. More to come this month I am sure. Stay tuned. 

Happiness

I have been asked recently what it is going to take to make me happy? In the back of my mind every single time this question is presented to me a little voice says I think I gave my happiness away. There are so many days where I miss you so much and not hearing from D and Y makes it even harder. I have tried just about everything I can to have some sort of communication and it appears I have been rebuffed at every single turn. 42 days until we hit the two year mark another milestone in this walk that we have made for ourselves. Who would have known that this would be such a long hard lonely walk?

I keep trying to look towards the positive in it all. I don't want to be one of those birth moms that hates adoption and everything that goes with it. I want to be one of those birth moms that can hopefully somehow make the entire process better for someone who could perhaps end up in my exact shoes when they start their walk and not know what to expect and be promised things only to feel betrayed and hurt when none of those promises come true. I wish that one day those promises would just be fulfilled. Why say you are going to do something when you are not? I don't think when those promises are being made that anyone really thinks that there is a possibility that they are not going to happen but in all reality I should have thought that first and foremost when I started this walk. It just goes to prove that you can't trust anyone. Not saying I don't trust D and Y because I have entrusted them with the most precious gift in the world YOU. I entrust them to make what they feel is the right decisions for you but at the same time only hoped that some of those decisions would include me in a positive way. Maybe one day. Until then I think the answer to the question is my happiness is in the eyes of a little girl whom I long to see just one more time even from a distance at this point.

I have happiness in the things that we do and the things that I am accomplishing in my life but a huge piece of my heart was taken the day you left and I can't wait till it comes back to me. We walk these walks in life for a reason. To learn and to benefit from what we have learned either positive or negative. We learn. I love you baby girl and Miss you so much.

Now What?

I have been thinking about you so much lately. Wondering what you are up to this summer? Wondering how tall you have gotten and the new words that you might be saying? I have been wondering all kinds of things and none of them I have any answers to. I try to imagine but it is almost impossible these days. I am certain that baby voice you had you don't have anymore. What I would not give to get a glimpse of you somewhere in public but I am sure it will never happen. I have not gotten photo's since March and it has really been bothering me considering the agreement stats 4 times a year. September 29th will be the end of the second year and we still have only gotten photos of you twice this year. So aggravating. Seems that talking to the agency and the attorney has yielded nothing in a response to my request for photos and a update. Where do I go from here? What do I do next? Is there anything I can do? Where do  I go from here? I miss you so much and it does not matter what I say or do I can't make them understand how important it is for me to at least get photos and updates. Why promise something if you are not going to do it? Why not just say that is not the way it is going to be for us.  Why not just say that you were not OK with this from the beginning? Why lie to me? The longer and longer I wait the more and more irritated and distraught I get. Why does it have to be this way? Why can't they put themselves in my shoes and understand the pain they are causing. Just once PLEASE JUST ONCE.

Who would have thought.

In 2009 when I turned 30 I never thought that I would be sitting here writing to you 4 years 364 days later. When I turned 30 you were not even a thought in my imagination. In my wildest dreams. I never thought that just before my 31st birthday I would be getting news that we were expecting you. Those next 4 years I never thought would be such an emotional roller coaster for my life. Yet I never thought I would learn so much from it. When I look back on 30 I was wild. Nothing slowed me down. I did what I wanted when I wanted and I was surrounded by friends (or so I thought) who did the same things. Fast forward to today and none of those friends are around anymore. I find myself alone more often than not and I am not that wild person I was when I turned 30. It is amazing the decisions that you make in your life really do affect your surroundings. I learned that the hard way I guess. Some people seem to think that your adoption was something out of left field. Like it was never planned. Little did they know it was planned all along. It just had to be the right time. Your adoption was not a conventional adoption. You were with us for almost 20 months before you went to be with your parents. We were your parents for that time. Maybe that is why it is hard for me some days. Who knows. Maybe it would have been even harder if I would have let you go directly from the hospital. How would it have been to come home empty handed? I will never have that feeling and for that I am grateful. I have enough feelings and emotions on what we have felt at this point. You changed our world little girl and I am forever grateful for it. On days I want to give up you force me to push on. On days I want to say forget the world you make me remember. On days I want to end it all you give me the reason to live. You may not be in my life every single day like you were before your adoption but you are in my heart every single minute and everything I do I do in hopes that one day you can say you are proud. That we both have a better life for the selfless decision's your dad and I made for the all of us. I look around now and I am surrounded by Minnie Mouse. Balloon's, key chain's, figurines, dolls and then some. They remind me of you. Minnie and Mickey were/ are your favorite. So it only seems fitting that I am staying at a Disney world resort this weekend in Orlando. After all we are the reason that you love Minnie/ Mickey so much. No we are not going to Disney world but we will be in the area. Fall I think we will take that plunge again and while I am terrified to do it I think it is time. Who knows who we might see in the crowd. Maybe we can catch a glimpse of that blond hair brown eyed girl who looks kinda like me.

Thank you Jv. Thank you for making me slow down and smell the flowers, love the sunshine and listen to the rain. Who would have thought one little girl could teach someone so much.

I don't like the word's

Today I said 3 words I don't like to say at all.

Those three words were

                                                                     I GIVE UP. 

I have been attempting to get pictures for a couple months now. Something so I could see how much you have grown. Something that would let me see that you are doing alright. I got word back that the agency has reached out in hopes of getting those photos but that they have heard nothing.

This is the response I got back from my question about pictures from my agency representative.

I have not spoken to Y or D since the last time we spoke

They have not sent us any more pictures although I asked for them

You are being reasonable and your requests for pictures and update

Once again I will try to contact them and ask them and let you know if I hear from them

I truly wish this process was easier for you. 

And this is my response back to him.

At this point it is not even a reasonable request. I have gotten photos 2 times this year (year ending September 29th) and according to the agreement they signed I would get them 4 times a year until the two year mark. He wants to go by the agreement so bad I am only asking for what I was promised. I've pretty much given up on anything else. After September 29th the pics are going to be sporadic according to the agreement but until then some sort of cooperation from them would be nice. I've given them the world in Jv  in return they have given me nothing but heartache by their denials of visitations and a simple photo request. I give up 

I don't want to give up. I don't want to stop trying. I don't want you to think that I stopped caring at any point in this journey because that is not the case at all. I want you to know that there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about you and wish that I could see you, Wish that I could hold you,  Wish that I could hear your voice. There is not a day that goes by that I don't look for a photo in my inbox. More days than I care to mention have passed that I have not received one. I want to watch you grown I want to watch you blossom into a beautiful little girl and then young woman. But I guess that is just not meant for me in this journey.

My representative wants to speak to me regarding an idea he has and I will talk to him in a day or so. I just could not do it today. How many more disappointments are there going to be before one day I can open a email and there be at least one photo of you. Why does this journey have to be filled with so much heartache and pain.

I know I did what was best for you. As I said to someone yesterday I gave you everything and more with the family was chose for you. I know that and I will always say that. But while I gave you everything in the world I stripped myself of all of it. I never knew how hard this was going to be. Def not for the faint of heart.

I am doing something with my life so when the time comes and we see you again you can see that I did not spend my life after you doing nothing. I want you to be proud of the accomplishments that I have made. Why it is so important to me I am not sure but it is. You are my motivation every single day. One day you will be old enough to know that. Much much love Jv.

Just a Birth mom's Dream

654 days ago is how long it has been. We have 76 more days until the two year mark. I thought so many different things would have happened at this point in our journey. Never did I prepare myself for the things that have actually happened that we never thought in a million years would. You were with us for 602 days and we were not prepared for those either but they were some of the best days we would ever have without even knowing it at the time. I can't believe that we are coming up on the two year mark. That day holds so many things and yet none of it we really even know at this point. I have been doing my best to choke back emotions I have been having lately and tonight it is not working so well. There have been no recent photo's and every time that happens it gets to me. I know March is really not that long ago but to me it seems like forever.It has been forever since I have blogged to you and I am not sure why. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you or talk about you. Your name still echo's in this house daily. I don't think that will ever change. Your dad and I are proud of you. We are proud of what you taught us and the beautiful little girl that you are.

There have been so many people who have had babies or who are having babies that we know and I find myself in the baby isle of any store these days. Something I could not do when you left. I avoided those isles like the plague. I see things that you had and I become a broken record oh JV had that. I am sure I have become more than annoying to anyone around me.

Adoption is such a mixed bag of emotions. One day you are fine with it the next you don't think you are yet you know you are because you did what was best OR did you? I still don't think that your dad and I have ever doubted our decision but I think sometimes we have a weak moment or a selfish moment and wonder what the heck we were thinking. None of that is going to change anything and we rest in the fact that they are doing exactly what we asked them to do no matter how much it might hurt sometimes. I could not ask for better parents for you. But you know what baby girl? Adoption hurts. It hurts like hell. It is not for the weak of heart. Don't let anyone ever tell you that it is easy they are lying. I never imagined the heartache and pain I would feel from knowing I did what was right for you. How could that hurt so bad? Because We love you. Plain and simple.
I think it is just my dream that you will one day know and understand that. Just a Birth mom's Dream.

Looking and Thinking.

Your dad and I talk about the possibility of moving out of the apartment that we brought you home to and buy a house or even move out of the state. In the last year or so I am happy to say I am glad that you have not been here otherwise I might not have been so nice to some people who have moved in and decided to act the way they do. Two neighbors and to much crap. We like our place here but are beginning to think that it is just not us anymore. With J on vacation this is the first time since you have been gone that I have been alone as much as I have. 20 months. I guess I am just not use to it. The cat does not even want to have anything to do with me. Why I have no idea. I think he is mad that J is on vacation. So much is changing around here. I am wanting to go back to work and go to school at the same time so I don't go stir crazy and so dad does not have to pay for everything anymore. One day at a time I guess. It is really all we can do. Who knows where the roads will lead from here.

For the first time.

For the first time since right after you left I had the pleasure of holding a little baby. The last time I did this was when a friend of mine had a little girl and it was very difficult. About 3 months after you left. Tonight it was glorious. He was 3 days old and so precious and new. I look at little ones like him and think that anything is possible. Nothing is impossible when you look at a new life and their beautiful little faces. They will some day conquer the world one step at a time. It is no secret that this weekend I encountered some very interesting people in my outings. Parents who did not care what their kids were doing or where they were doing it at and causing safety issues and then parents who were a little over bearing and I think lost sight at how precious children really are and how much they take for granted that they just think that they are just always going to be there. Children can be gone in the blink of an eye just like a parent can be. Cherish them. Let them live a little. So many things I would do different now than what I did before. I was a harsh parent I won't deny that. I am one of those people that they would look at and not understand some of the things I did or said when it came to my children. I really don't want to be that person anymore. I want to be the one that cherishes every single moment she has with her kids no matter when those moments are. I want to be the one that lives a little and lets my children do the same.  I want to be the one that can still be the parent but give them a little bit if space to be the child as well. Maybe one day I will get that opportunity. Just a random thought.

Some of my favorites

The past week or so has been the time I have found some of the favorite things that you use to have when you were here. Both things I managed to find without much effort really. I never thought I would replace them let alone find them. When you left there were two things that were left at your baby sitters house and I was upset about them later down the line. One was one of your favorite Minnie Mouse dolls. You would take that thing with you everywhere. I was able to find it online as I stated above without much effort. The second I stumbled upon today at Ross when I was roaming around there. I was shocked and actually got a little choked up at the site of it. It took me back to watching you dance around M's kitchen saying bubbles bubbles. That machine would make you so happy. I had to get it. Somewhere I have the video of you dancing around that kitchen having the time of your life. You were all about bubbles. So carefree. Remembering it all really brought back the memories flooding back today. A tear in my eye and a smile on my face all at the same time.

I love you baby girl. 

Minnie the Mouse

You would carry Minnie the Mouse with you everywhere you went. It never failed. you loved her. This is a replica of the one you left at your baby sitters house the week before you left. I had been thinking in the back of my mind a long time about her and how I wanted to get her for my Minnie Mouse collection and someone posted this one on line and I happened to stumble upon her. I hope that your original Minnie gives your sitter a smile when she sees it as much as seeing this one did me. I know as you grow you will begin to like other characters but you will always be my Minnie girl.  It is amazing to me that such a small doll can bring so much comfort. We miss you baby girl. 

Happy Mother's Day Weekend Y. 2014

Progress. Right?

Some days I feel like there is no progress in this walk that your daddy and I are taking. Maybe because there really isn't. I can pretty much speak for the both of us when I say we have come to terms with the way that things are. We may not like them but we have come to terms with them and have learned to live with them. What other choice do we have right? We are no longer the one's calling the shots here and we are well aware of that. Anyway. Today I went to the paint store and bought samples of paint to brighten up the master bath and the wall behind the television. These are small steps to an already big project we started. There are so many things that have changed around here since you have been gone. Your room is no longer pink (it is not like you ever stayed in there anyway). We got a bigger television and new carpet. Another dining room table and some other things. We really took no time after you left before we cleaned out most of your things. Maybe I am going to kick myself in the pants for that later down the line I am not sure yet. There are still some things that are here that belonged to you. I still find some stray toys that went with this or that or a binky that you did not take with you. I smile most of the time when I think about you and what you could be possibly doing at any given time. I know your possibilities are endless. We miss you so much. Then there are days where I just want to sit and cry because we miss you so much. I guess it is called progress all the way around. Right?

Happy 3 years and 3 months Jv. 5/5/2014

The Balance Flips

I knew that this day would come eventually. I have not prepared myself for it and I don't think that your daddy has either. Even if we did all the preparation in the world I don't think that anything could help us deal with this. As your dad said the other day. In 2 days the balance will flip and I will be on the short end. Well baby girl that is where we are today. It is official that around 5pm this evening we will really be on the short end of it all now. Today Marks 19 months since you left our arms. 19 glorious months you were with us. I would ask for anything to have some of that time back. It is all in my mind. I am sure I can speak for your dad when I say that we both play those 19 months over and over again in our minds and each time we remember something different. Your smile, your laugh, a funny face you made or something that you did. Each memory forever etched in our minds and only the wish of just to hold you one more time. There will come a time where you are to big to be held as you were when you left us that day and you know what that is alright. You will forever fit right in my arms. Distance and the decisions of others might keep us apart right now but daddy and I both know that we miss you and we love you and we think about you all the time. We know you are happy and healthy I think we just wish that we could see how happy and healthy you are for our own eyes. Days like these make this whole process hard. I never thought that this day would come. I dreaded it in my mind for so long. I didn't want to be able to say that they officially will spend more time with you than your daddy and I did. It hurts. It hurts real bad BUT we both know we did the right things for you. I only hope that when you are at the age of understanding you see that as well. 19 Months with us and now 19 months with them. They have given you every single thing in life I knew we could not give. You are so smart and bright and just a little ray of sunshine. You have always been that for us. We miss it but you will always be that driving force behind my every breath right along with your other siblings. On those days when things just do not seem fair and I want to just take it all back I just look at some of your pictures that we have gotten and it makes it all worth it all over again. I know one day I will be able to tell you all of this in person. My only wish is that it is sooner than later. 19 Months since your adoption. Thank you for being you Jv. WE love you.

Dr. Result's and thinking.

Ever since the day you left I have only imagined what it would be like to see you again. I never really thought what it would take to make sure I get to that day first. After you left I won't lie my weight shot up and I really didn't take care of myself. I ate whatever  I wanted when I wanted it, Stayed up all hours of the day and night going days without sleep, and failed to take most of my meds when I should have been taking them all along. This year in January I vowed I was going to take better care of me. I have had appointments with my Primary Dr. and A cardiologist. Thankful that my Dr. appointment with my Cardiologist went better than my appointment with my Primary. With all the health issues I do have I was lucky I have not done to much irreversible damage to my heart at this point. As the Dr. said I look like a patient who has had high blood pressure since the age of 18. My Primary Dr on the other hand is working to get my Blood pressure stable and it just does not seem to be working. This week he took the total number of meds for just my blood pressure up to 3. Told me that I was the perfect candidate for lap band surgery and I should consider it. All because I asked him about seeing a diet Dr. to help with the weight. I can't do any of that until my blood pressure is under control. What did I do to myself? How did I let it get so bad? Where did I go wrong? These are all questions that I have for myself and I could just kick myself in the ass for not taking better care of myself. You have been my driving force along with your sisters. I want to live long enough to see you all again. I want to be healthy, vibrant and active. I want to have a life. A life outside of these 4 walls of this house. I know what I have to do and I am prepared to do it. no matter what. Thank you for being the driving force I need.

18 Months Ago.

18 Months ago (should be titled I was a bitch today). March 29, 2014

18 months ago we signed the papers. I cannot say that I would change it if I knew then what I know now because that is not necessarily the case. Looking back on that day I had a thousand and one wishes for you. I still do. I had only a couple for myself. I wanted you to have everything you had here but on a much larger scale. It took us a long time but in some regards maybe not long enough. I am constantly reminded about the pain I caused your sisters because they are to young to understand why you could not live with them. Seems that no one remembers or speaks of the pain I caused myself or several other people who were actually involved in your life up until the day you left. It is always about someone else and what they are feeling. I guess the selfish part of me is getting a little tired of it.I have been called selfish because I let you go. When if only they knew it was one of the most unselfish things I have ever done in my life. I wanted better for you and while my heart hurts on days like today I am comforted most days knowing that you are living your little life to the fullest and having the best time doing it. You have someone who is attentive to your every word and they encourage you to do as you wish. I remember countless nights I would get frustrated because I would be so tired and you would refuse to go to sleep. Oh how I long for those nights again. Now those sleepless nights are just me and the Tv. I often sit in the living room in the quiet of the house and just picture the way things use to be. Wall to wall toys, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on the television and the echos of momma momma momma in the background.. So much has changed since you have been gone. Every single time we change something in the house it takes me back to the little things right after you first left. The things that were still yours but I had to let go of anyway. I have several boxes of things that I still have not let go of and I don't think that I ever will. I have given your sisters several things to remember you by as well and hope that on the nights when they miss you the most they can look at those things and it will help ease how they feel. No one ever said this journey was going to be easy but no one ever prepared me for the heartache that I would endure over the last 18 months either. I look at it two ways. I never knew how weak I really was until all of this. Those are the bad days. On the good days I can look at it and see I was never knew how strong I really was until now. Today is not one of those good days. I feel weak.  I feel like I have spent most of the last 18 months lying to people when they ask me if I am doing alright I just simply tell them yes, I am doing fine. No one really knows the constant battle I have with myself to even get out of bed most days. I have been able to get my first Associate's of Science Degree in these past 18 months granted I am not quiet sure how. I am returning to school April 21st for my second one and hope that by this time next year I will be working in a hospital or somewhere where I will be able to use my second degree and be happy. A large part of my life is missing. YOU. I don't try to fill that part of my life because nothing can replace you, I still look in the children's section of almost any store I walk into and your name comes up often. Oh this would look cute on JV. or she would have rocked that outfit or those shoes or loved that toy. The list goes on and on. I don't know if that is doing more harm for me than good but it will benefit some little girl around your age come Christmas time. I miss you Jv. and so does your daddy and your sisters. I wish things could be different than they are but I know that is not how D and Y are wanting it right now and I respect that. Maybe one day. No matter the picture that was pained for me 18 months ago or what I thought was painted for me it did not prepare me for any of this. I have had to surrender all control and I am not good at that but I have done it. Almost everything regarding this process is out of my control the only thing that is not is the fact that my heart is still in it and with you always. It always will be. Next month is going to be a hard one but I am going to remain positive about it. April 29th you will be with D and Y for as long as you were with me and dad. Does not even seem possible that this day is so close. As long as you are happy that is all that matters and everything we see proves that you are. I see the glow in your eyes and how much you love your brother D. We gave you the world baby girl along with our hearts.

I was reminded.

Last night (March 12,2014) we were in the car driving to Target and we were talking about some things. I brought you up and E reminded me about how strong you really are. We use to work at the local community theater when you were little even when I was Pregnant with you. You were very much the theater baby. Anyway. You were on the couch and fell off E scooped you up and ran outside with you thinking that you were going to scream your lungs out and all you did was a big grunt like you were frustrated that you actually fell. He was certain that you were going to disrupt the show that was currently on stage just in the other room.  It reminded me just how strong you always have been and I am certain you always will be.  I am glad to hear that he is writing things down. He is right he does not write near as much as I do. By the time this blog is 18 years old it will be 3 books I am sure. But I was thankful for his reminder. Sometimes you tend to forget the small things like that. You fought my entire pregnancy to exist. You wanted to be a part of this world more than anything in your little being and I am certain that you are right where you belong. Love you to much to not believe that.

A selfish thought.

Tonight I had a selfish thought. As it turned midnight and the house was quiet because your daddy had gone off to bed it left me in the living room alone. Just me and my thoughts. I had a selfish moment. A moment where I thought to myself I didn't think how lonely late nights would be without you. You use to keep me up all hours of the day and night and it use to drive me crazy. Is it nuts of me to want even one of those nights back now? There are going to be many lonely days and nights ahead in the next 15 years I am sure. With every single one of them I will be wishing that you were here. My heart is heavy tonight for you. I miss you so much that it hurts. I feel like I am missing so much. Like I gave my whole world away. There have been so many times recently that I have caught myself saying I want my baby back. You will always be my baby but you are theirs and that is who you were always meant to be with. I love to see your smile in a photo. Those beautiful brown eyes that captivate your heart with just a turn of your head. You have everyone in the room wrapped around your little finger in less than a second. You will always have me wrapped around your little finger. You just turned 37 months old a few days ago. I didn't write on that day but i did think about you most of the day.  I think about you everyday. Today is just one of those days where my emotions are getting the best of me.

Finding it hard

I will admit that since February 28th I am finding it hard to deal with these dates. You have been with D and Y for 520 days or 12486 hours or even 749185 minutes. You were only with us for 602 days. That day were you have been with them longer than you were with us is approaching faster than I can even process at this point. I have not gotten any new photos since December and it is really starting to bother me. All of this is really starting to bother me. I feel like a zombie and a raving bitch most of the time. I want to scream and yell but it will do no good. I want to take it all back but the only thing that is going to solve is my pain. I know I can't do that to you. You are happy you are healthy loved and taken care of. That should be enough for me Right?I feel like I am slowly loosing my mind. I miss you. No amount of anything is going to change how much I miss you. When I put all the numbers down in my blog it does not make it feel any better in fact it just stares at me from the screen. I guess we will leave it at that for now. Today is not a very good day at this point. Hope to turn that around. 

The Challenge some people bring.

It amazes me in this walk that I take daily with E at the way some people try to twist it around and make it all about them or even about my other children. I have spent my entire life trying to protect all of my children from heartache and pain and yet it seems that the same things that I have done to protect them are the things that end up hurting them the most (at least in this person's eyes). Imagine that. There was really not any time for anyone in the family to say goodbye to Jv before she left and I did it that way on purpose. Why in the world would I open my home to people who were no where to be found to say good bye to someone they were never there for to begin with? Things that make you go hummmm. I made my decisions with E for a reason and we stand by them. That has cost us the rest of the ties with the family and in all honesty it is alright with me. What pisses me off the most is when that so called family seems to think that they are entitled to something in what they are not even close to being able to call tangible. We have all made decisions in our lives and sometimes we regret them at some point and sometimes we do not. While I can say there are only two people that I would have wanted Jv to see before she left so they could say goodbye to her and that would have been her sisters. To hell with everyone else. What did they do for Jv? Nothing. They were not there for her when she was a baby, they did not want to be the family to her that they were to my older girls. They outcast her and we were the only thing she had for 19 months. The girls had nothing to do with that. They are and will always be her sisters. There is no reason to post all over social media that you celebrated her birthday with them when it was like pulling teeth to get you here to celebrate her first birthday in the first place. Bet you the rest of the family who is praising you for your efforts and for 'being such a good mother" have no idea when that baby was born yet they really should never be able to forget it considering it was the same day as their mother's, grandmothers. great grandmothers memorial service. Oh and don't think I did not notice that her grandmother was not involved in the celebration. Show's how much she cares yeah? These things do not go unnoticed and when the time comes they will be reunited with her but as for the rest of the family.......They can all go to hell. It will be up to her but believe me she will be told how they treated her when she was a baby and how they were no where to be found. I am not about lying and I am not about to start now. Good luck with explaining that when the time comes. OH you know what? Those are the words that you told me so long ago but I am prepared when the other times come and I will be able to explain with no problem because guess what the truth is always easy to tell.

One of my biggest fears

I have had so many fears in this walk of adoption and most of them have come true at this point. I was afraid that we would be denied contact and we have. I was afraid that they would not allow us to send you gifts and that has been take away as well. I was and still am concerned that they are going to stop sending pictures as often as they do now after September of this year and I already got confirmation that is going to happen as well yet I am still fighting for this. Now one of my biggest fears is that whenever you are allowed to see us, old enough to search for us on your own whatever the case my be that you won't want to. That you will be just like my mothers children and say you want nothing to do with me or your daddy. I often lay awake at night and wonder what it will be like even next year let alone 15 years from now. Where will we be? What will we be doing? Will reunion day ever happen? I often wonder if the only reason that this is happening right now is because D and Y are scared of who knows what. I lay awake at night when my mind starts to wonder from question to question and usually spend the entire night up because my brain will not shut off. looks like tonight is one of those nights. You use to spend night after night up for one reason or the other. I think honestly you did not want to miss anything and you were scared that if you closed your eyes you would. I am not sure. Whatever the case may be I cherish those nights I had with you. No matter how frustrated I got with you because all I really wanted to do was go to sleep. I look back at them now and cherish every single one of them and I also look back on some of them and wish I could have changed the way I felt but I know that is not possible. It is just a wish. You might have been my last baby but you by far taught me the most in such a short amount of time. 

And she cried.........

A couple of weeks ago I believe right after Jv's Birthday I sent off for Medical records for the both of us from when she was born. I was looking for only one thing but I did not care I sent for both records. I have to say I am so glad that I did. Because Jv was a C section baby and I was stuck in bed for the first 24 hours of her life I did not get to be involved in things that I had with the other children. I was looking for her foot prints. It never occurred to me that I did not have her foot prints at all until E came to me and told me he had seen a tattoo that he thought I would be interested in. Someone had their babies foot prints tattooed on the top of their feet. He knows me all so well telling me I know you would do it in a heartbeat no matter how painful it might be. He was right. I went looking and that is when I found out I did not have those foot prints. I never did foot prints with her at home either for some reason. I was so upset. It took me awhile to come up with the idea of getting her records from the hospital but when I did I was doubtful that what I wanted would be in there. I had forgotten that I even sent off for them until I opened the envelopes tonight. E and I both thought it was just medical insurance stuff.   I cried tears of joy today when I turned to page 4 of her records tonight and staring right back at me were my baby girls foot prints. I was so happy. I have not cried tears of joy in a long time and it felt good. I miss her every single day. There is not a day that goes by where she is not in my mind or my dreams. Not a day goes by where I don't say her name at least once. I am so happy to have her foot prints in my possession now. I don't care that it is going to cost me almost $ 40 for just those records. No amount of money in the world will replace the way I felt the moment I saw her foot prints sitting in front of me Finally. Thank you Florida Hospital.......Thank you Jv. It really is the small things.

Little back story.

As many people knew I had Miss Jv February 5, 2011 at 1:06 am via C Section. She was a very complicated pregnancy and I was in and out of the hospital from the very beginning of time with her. I knew from the moment that I found out about her that the best thing for her was going to be adoption. I knew that she did not belong to me. She was sent to this earth for someone else. I feel liked I searched the seven seas for the family that she would call her own. For the family that I hoped would allow us to watch her grow and thrive. Everyone who knows me knows that I am not an overly religious person. Seemed like every single profile that I read looking for that perfect family pushed the religious issue way to much. It was always within the first few words of their letters and their profiles. It drove me crazy. When E and I decided that maybe it would be better to just parent at the time we never knew how much it would change our lives. Yes we have other children and we have been down this road before but nothing could prepare us for Jv. She came into this world 5 weeks early and spent her first 36 hours in the NICU. She was born on the day of her great grandma's memorial service. When I saw her I was instantly in love with her. I never knew that this little girl would teach me so many things considering she was my 5th baby. I spent many sleepless nights with her until the very day she left us. She did not want to miss a thing. When Eric and I decided that we were still ok with looking for a family with her we never thought that it would happen I don't think. I knew that there was no way that I was going to allow this child to touch a day in DCF custody. I refused. I knew there had to be someone out there. Secretly I never stopped looking for the perfect family for her but we did everything we could. She was loved she was cared for with us and really never wanted for much of anything. Could we have done it? Yeah I am sure that we could have but there was always that one thing missing for her. Family. No one in our families really wanted anything to do with her and I will never understand why.Showing up 1x a year and bring a present does not mean that you care in any way shape or form. I even later got excuses that they were scared to get close because they thought somehow I would take her away from them. Then saying how upset they were that they did not do more while she was here. I guess it is easy for people to feel sorry for the situation they put themselves in when things don't go the way they want them to. (This by no was shape or form is a excuse for her adoption. That was decided long before she was born it just took more time than a normal child. It was in our time No one else's) When the family that Jv is with now was presented to me I was hesitant for a short second until I read their history and their letter to us as well as their recommendation from the agency. They were great. They had every single thing I wanted for her and more. Speaking with them on the phone sealed what I knew in my heart was the right thing. We had agreed on an open adoption from the beginning. Everything was set. Fast forward to February 17, 2014 and all I can say is I am heartbroken. The annual visitation I was told that would not be a problem and was even filed with the court (at the adoptive family discretion of course) was denied for 2013. So the anniversary of her adoption came and went and I did not get word of this denial until November 2013. I was heartbroken. Not only did I get this notification but also notification that the family was moving across the United States and would no longer be in Fl full time. Talk about crushing news. BUT nothing prepared me for the letter I would get only a few days before her 3rd birthday. This time it was not an email It was a letter that was typed out single spaced 3 pages long. with 1 photo (Family Christmas Card with a last name) The contents of that letter broke my heart all over again. (how many times can the same people break your heart before you snap). I cried after the first two sentences that were written in that letter and still I can't believe what it said. Since I was denied the annual visitation I asked that they would at least consider continuing the photos 4 times a year with updates. They refused. They said that they would stick to the agreement that was filed with the courts and that was it. How hard is it really to just sit down and forward a few photos and a update about how she is doing and what she has been up to the last few months? I would do that for anyone if I knew it was going to help in the healing or moving on process of the birth family. It is not like I am asking for the entire family to have the ability to see her all the time or at all. They were never around when she was here. I don't think that it would really put them out any at all to be honest to sit down and send a few photos and a update every 3 months. In the agreement it states that the agreement can be modified with simple accommodations. I think that what I am asking is a very simple accommodation and not asking much at all. Needless to say I am waiting to speak with the attorney. Another thing in that letter is they told me they would not allow me to send her gifts anymore. They did not feel comfortable with it as it was not part of the paperwork filed with the courts. Now keep in mind I sent countless numbers of boxes to her in the first year of all of this but as soon as we get to the beginning of year two this is no longer alright? So now I get to accumulate things for her for when she finally is able to see them. To say I have been crushed is an understatement. No money in the world could repair my heart or my soul in all of this. I have not asked for much and unfortunately to other people it appears I am asking them to move heaven and earth. I am not mad at them. I entrusted them to make decisions for Jv and that is what they feel that they are doing. Making decisions in her best interest. In the mean time while they are doing what they think is right and I did what I thought was right E and I are the ones who get to suffer in all of this. He has been so great so strong and such a rock but I know that all of this pains him. He loved/ loves her just as much as I did as I do. I know that not a day goes by that he does not think of her either. We have both admitted to each other that sometimes we think we made a mistake. But we look at the photos that we have gotten over the past 16 months and we know that she is happy and healthy and taken care of. She is smart, sensitive, and dramatic. Imagine that. They are looking out for her and I understand that. I thought that is what I was doing as well. My love for her will never change no matter how far the distance. No matter what D and Y's decisions are I don't think that I could ever be mad at them for it. Hurt yes but never angry. They are only doing what I have asked them to do from the very beginning. Sometimes I think the hesitation that E took on that day was a chance to say no we can't do this but we have never really second guessed our decision until recently. Yet every time we do we look at the situations and even the hurt that we are feeling and we know that she is in a much better place. It might have taken us 19 months to find her family that she has now but we will always be her forever family. The day will come when she will start looking for us and I am hoping that we have made ourselves easy to find for her. I never want her to have to search as hard as I did for my father. I can only hope as the time goes on that maybe the circumstances will change and they will come to understand that we are only here to love her like we have from the very beginning. We are not here to be her parents we have given that title to them. We simply want to be involved. I long for the day I can hug her or give her a kiss on the forehead. I just pray that when that chance comes that it is not to late as it was in my case with my father. I never want her to have that feeling and be left to hold that bag of questions like I was. Only in a perfect world.   

Happy Valentine's Day Jv.

Happy Valentine's Day Jv. I bought you a big beautiful card this year only to find out that I am not allowed to send it to you right now. I will place it with your Birthday card from last week and wait for the day where you are able to see them. I also made you a flip photo book of your sisters, dad and myself from 2o13 but I can't send that either. So it will go into the box as well. I started this blog today as a suggestion from your daddy and I think that it was perfect. I have other blog sites but this one will be just for you. One day you will be able to sit down and read every single thing the good, the bad, and even the ugly of it all. I am not perfect and never claimed to be. I only wanted what is best for you and I gave it all unselfish-lee. While in the mean time it hurts me to know that I have no idea when I will be able to see you face to face. When you will be able to get the gifts that I have chosen for you. You can never put a price tag on the love that I have for you or the memories that are in my head and heart but I continue to find things that remind me of you almost daily. Some I pass by others I purchase and tuck away in the hopes that one day everything will be as I was told it would be. Maybe I misunderstood? Maybe I was not as smart about it as I thought I was. Whatever the case may be I at least know that you are cared for and loved no matter what. Some days that is enough and some days it does not even begin to heal the pain but it is at least some sort of assurance that I did the right thing. That we did the right thing. So just as the title says Happy Valentine's day Jv. you have officially spent more Birthday's and more Valentine's day with D (Dad) Y (mom) and your big brother D.  This year you will meet another goal in this walk where you will have been with them longer than you were with your daddy and I. I am not looking forward to that day at all because it will mean that there will be more days where I have not seen your face than days where I did.  We love you Jv.  From the bottom of our hearts we love you. 
EDITED.......I originally stated that you have officially spent more Birthday's and Valentine's days with D Y and D than you had with us but that is not true yet. I still have another year until that is the case for those days. Why? Because I have the day you were born and 9 days after that (Your First Valentine's day). I am grateful to be able to retract my statement earlier and say I have another year until that milestone. By then maybe I will be another year stronger. No more surprises please.